


premature ventricular contractions

by onthighsbelongtotaemin



Category: SHINee
Genre: Arranged Marriage, F/M, Fake Marriage, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Male-Female Friendship, Marriage, Minor Character Death, Multi, Past Relationship(s), Romance, Romantic Friendship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-26
Packaged: 2018-09-19 14:49:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9446126
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onthighsbelongtotaemin/pseuds/onthighsbelongtotaemin
Summary: childhood friends minho & eunsook sign a contract to only be married for two years & a lot happens within those two years to change their minds about each other & about how long they really want this marriage to last.  also gwiboon falls in love with single-dad taemin (& his kiddo ondrew), minjung is the most fabulous grandmother ever, & taeyeon & jinki can't stop making babies.just lots of fluffy, flirty, sexy fun.





	1. first comes marriage

eunsook watched the woman slip gently over the edge of the canoe, managing to fall into the water without knocking the wooden boat over.  it bounced in the waves her submerging form left behind, drifting away from the last place eunsook could see her.  she stood frozen, watching, the letter junghee had left her crinkled in her fist.  it was too quiet, there were too few people at the lake today: the perfect day to disappear.  eunsook glanced up the beach frantically, her eyes landing on a trio of men on a dock with fishing poles attached to the lake with thin lines & willed them to look up, look up, look up & see that there was a woman dying in front of them.  a lifetime passed before her silent plea was heard & then suddenly the beach was swarming with people.  the stillness of the morning was shattered with voices screaming, waves splashing, & the shrill, piercing sound of a whistle blowing.

everything unfolded before her in slow motion, a surreal display of life unimaginable a mere two days ago.  the pain in her chest spread to her fingertips & toes as she watched them dive & emerge, dive & emerge, over & over without junghee in their arms.  time was an illusion & it could have been seconds or days before they finally pulled her up.  given what was in the letter, it was a miracle they found her at all.

junghee’s body lay limp far too long on the sand, her raven hair & rose-colored sundress drenched & glistening in the cool sunshine.  an ambulance & its team of paramedics were forced to push through the crowd of onlookers who didn’t seem to understand that the lights & siren were indicative of something vital, that their fascination was not of greater import than the medics who saved lives.  what little hope eunsook held, despite junghee’s own words, evaporated quickly & her feet had still made no movement when the coroner finally arrived.

the beach was nearly empty before she was finally able to take a step.

~

eunsook stands in a room full of people mourning at various levels a tragic accident that has led to the loss of a woman who was pretty & often kind, who listened enraptured to any story told, & who had published a book of poetry only a year before.  it felt like a deception to be at the funeral, as though she were complicit in junghee’s death despite knowing that she had done nothing to cause it.  all she had done was receive a letter from a woman who had never been a friend, only an acquaintance.  the things junghee wrote within the pages she sent to eunsook were things so private that eunsook could almost imagine that the years upon years that they had known each other were filled with false memories, that she had misunderstood their relationship from the start.  almost: there was too much evidence to prove such an idea false.

to say that eunsook had envied junghee would be too strong a word, that she admired her too weak.  the ease with which junghee spoke in groups was never begrudged because eunsook recognized within her the same desire for isolation, for quiet & for solitude.  if it were possible such a desire might have drawn them together, but the desire itself kept them apart & they didn’t have enough in common beyond their age & quiet discomfort to draw them together.  so eunsook kept to herself & occasionally glanced at junghee, wondering what it was like to move through society with such ease.  now it was her fiancé that eunsook watched, the man who would mourn a loss he might never understand but that had been laid out in detail in a letter eunsook had hidden in an old journal. 

it wasn’t her place to explain to him what had been explicitly stated to be a secret she needed to keep, an explanation only as a reasoning for what she was being asked to do in the coming weeks.  so she maintained her silence, shaking his hand & hugging his father, a man whose gentleness had been a comfort during a childhood fraught with loss, & walked away, hoping that honoring the wishes of the dead would not come back to haunt those who still lived.

~

a crisp april morning finds her in his home sat at the dinner table beside his father. 

“he’s not well, not since junghee...”  he lets the sentence hang & she leaves it alone, nodding in understanding & placing her hand over his.  he looks haggard & worn when he joins them, a brief nod in eunsook’s direction & then he’s gone again.  an appearance, nothing more, bites of food to placate his father enough to be allowed to grieve alone.  her glass grabs her interest because it is stationary & holds no emotional turmoil & it hasn’t asked anything of her other than to enjoy.  time passes unmeasured & she’s still staring at her drink when his father pats her hand & asks if she would like to join him for a stroll.

~

attempts to engage minho in conversation are met with varying degrees of success & she knows she isn’t the only woman expressing interest in the now single man.  it’s difficult to know where the line is that will indicate her intent & that her sudden interest isn’t motivated by the same desires as many of the pretty women who now flutter nearby.

it’s gradual & stilted, her end of the conversation disjointed while he remained quiet.   the sudden shift from the vibrant man who was tethered with eunsook in filial devotion to his father to the morose man whose narrowed eyes often stared at the floor made every move even more difficult to navigate.  & junghee’s words more truthful than even she may have been able to predict.

a memorial day bar-be-cue is the first time she makes him laugh.  progress in pieces & she thinks junghee would be proud.  

~

eunsook waits for sunyoung to greet the customer as the soft chime of the bells ring overhead.  when there is no greeting, she suddenly remembers that the other clerk had taken a long lunch that day & the book in her hand is placed back on the shelf as she makes her way to the front, wiping her hands on her pants. 

“hello, welcome to...”  the words die on her lips as she is greeted with the sight of choi minho in a business suit standing in the little used bookstore.  she glances around to see if anyone else is in the shop but it is just them & she looks back at him with a confused smile, absently pushing up her glasses.  they’d never spoken of where she worked & there was no reason for him to be so far out of town in the middle of the day. 

“hello eunsook.”

“hello minho.  can i help you find something?”  her eyebrows are still furrowed but she hopes she doesn’t look angry.  she’s been told she looks murderous when she is confused or concentrating.  or just not smiling.

“i need to ask you something, something personal.  is there somewhere private we can talk?”

“um...”  at that moment she catches sight of sunyoung coming up the sidewalk, her phone to her ear & a smile on her face as she nods animatedly at whatever the speaker on the other end of the line is saying.  “let me get sunyoung to cover the register & i’ll be right with you.”  she can see him glance around the empty shop but he only nods.  the midafternoon heat stings after the cool of the shop as she waves sunyoung down, explaining that she needs her to keep an eye on the till while she deals with some private business.  her head shakes & she sighs when sunyoung catches a glimpse of minho in the storefront window & her eyebrows waggle, laughing brightly as eunsook steps back inside.  the hallway is narrow & stacked with hardbacks, the tiny office that doubles as a break room just as crowded.  the two vinyl dining chairs are bare & she gestures at one as she takes a seat in the other.

“will you marry me?”  eunsook’s eyes widen as she impulsively leans back. 

“will i what?”

“i need your help.”

“i don’t think i’m qualified.”  she regrets it the minute it slips out of her mouth & she is ready to apologize but he doesn’t seem to notice.  the way he’s looking at her is confusing: he really is serious.  “why me?”

“you’re the only one i trust for this.”  there’s a certain sting in a marriage proposal that comes without words of adoration or affection & there’s a certain pride in knowing that her actions have earned his trust.  “you’re my only hope.” 

“did you just quote ‘star wars’?”

“did i quote what?”

“never mind.”

“you’ll get a stipend every month, i don’t want you to think you have to ask to buy anything.”  a slight tilt of her head is the only indication of her disappointment at how little he knows about her.  “it won’t be forever.  just two years then an annulment.  just long enough to get the looks of pity off of everyone’s face.” 

“a pretend marriage.” 

“a contract, yes.”

“we’ll live together?”

“at the lake house, yes.  oh...uh...unless that makes you uncomfortable.”

“no, it’s fine.  i trust you.”  she laughs lightly.  “neither one of us wants to hurt your dad.”

“yeah, i guess not,” he says as he rubs the back of his neck with a sheepish grin.

“does he know about this?”

“he thinks i’m here asking you out on a date.”

“which technically you are.”

“yeah.”

“so a quick little courtship & then he can finally have us wed.”

“basically.”  her smile drops.

minho’s father has been the closest thing she’s had to a dad for the majority of her life.  the last eight years found him trying to bring her & minho together, introducing them to each other year after year at christmas, each time seemingly the first for minho.  a tradition of sorts, something like a game.  the homely daughter of his former business partner was of no interest to him, his eyes glittering when they fell upon junghee’s petite beauty & no woman had a chance when his heart was so hers.  it wasn’t a stinging rejection, just a bit of an annoyance that his father continued to push when the son was so clearly not going to budge.  now circumstances have horribly changed & they sit in a small office negotiating a marriage contract.

“i don’t like lying to him.”

“then don’t.  if he asks you directly don’t lie.  but i don’t think he will.  i think he’ll be too happy to ask too many questions.”  he chuckles.  “i think he believes you could heal my broken heart.”

her eyes narrow & she stays silent.

“anyway,” he continues, looking back up, “do we have an agreement?”

“yeah,” she says slowly.  “we should probably write something out, get it notarized.”

“seriously?”

“yes to the writing it out, no to the notarization.  just to clarify things, make sure we understand each other on this.  i don’t want to make assumptions.”

“it’s really simple.  i basically pay you to live with me for two years.”

“right but i’d just like to have a bit more of a conversation than what’s feasible in a back office in the middle of the day.  besides, it’ll look like we’re on a date if we go to a restaurant or something.” 

“ok, sure.  um, tonight?”

“yeah, that sounds good.  8?”

“yes.  pick you up or meet you somewhere?”

“mmm...pick me up.  the more conspicuous we make this courtship the better.  we actually want the neighbors talking on this one.”  she laughs & he smiles.

“all right.  see you at 8.”  he stands to leave.

“wait, where will we be going?”

“it’ll be a surprise.”  he turns to leave & then turns back.  “just...you might want to wear something a little nicer.”  she looks down at the oversized tunic & loose pants she currently wears & back up at him, her pride a little hurt.

“a dress?”

“that would be good.”  he smiles tightly & steps out of the office.

he hadn’t said anything but she’d caught the way he’d looked at the messy bun at the back of her head.  she sighs. 

~

when he comes to pick her up on the corner she is dressed in the same clothes with her hair falling loosely down her back & over her shoulders.  she pushes up her glasses in a nervous habit & waits for his response.

“i thought you were going to wear a dress,” he says with confusion, coming around the car to open her door.

“never said that.”  he laughs & she smiles.

“no, you didn’t.”

“where are we going?”

“wherever you want to go.”

“you said it would be a surprise.”

“you get to pick.  surprise!”  a quick snort & a declaration of a hunger for indian food finds them twenty minutes later sharing a basket of naan.

~

“there’s a housekeeper & a gardener.  mrs. song has been with my family for over thirty years, well before i was born.  she comes twice a week, mondays & thursdays, & is very keen on running the house her own way.  that’s not been a problem since it was just me.”

“shouldn’t be a problem at all.”

“she’s not great with change so i hope you’ll be sensitive to that & not push her.”

“do i seem like someone who would?”  he sighs & rubs the bridge of his nose.

“no.  just something i’ve put her through & don’t want to again.”  eunsook nods, not knowing how else to respond.  “mr. cho is the gardner & he typically comes on thursdays & he likes to bring his wife with him.  she usually sleeps while he does his work.  her health isn’t great & they don’t like being apart from each other if they can help it.”  eunsook nods again thinking how nice it must be to have someone to want to be with at all times.

“should i do anything for them?  make them lunch?”  he looks at her with a crooked grin.

“that’s mrs. song’s job.  she cleans & she makes meals.”

“oh.  so you won’t be cooking for me?  well that’s a deal breaker.”  laughter takes her breath at the confusion on his face.  “i’m kidding.  i am a good cook, though.  not great but still pretty good.”

“that’s up to you.  now we should talk about-”

“what do i do then?”

“what do you mean?”

“if someone else is cooking & cleaning & taking care of the yard, what am i supposed to do?”  minho shrugs.

“whatever you’re doing now.” 

“ok...”, she says slowly.

“what?”

“it just feels weird.”

“weirder than a contract for an annulment?”  she laughs.

“no.  so basically i just live in your house for two years & go as your date to things that require a date & that’s it.”

“basically.”

“hmm.”  he sits up.

“if you want to back out it’s fine.”

“no, i’ll do it.  it’s just weird.”  she sits back & then sits back up again.  “won’t she notice that we have separate rooms?”  minho looks at her, his eyes widening.

“damn.  i didn’t think about that.”

“we’ll have to find a way to make it look like i sleep in your room, some way to keep her out of mine.”

“we’ll say it’s a guest room.  that you decorated it for when your family comes to visit.”

“ok, that could work.  i’ll just make sure to clean it up before she comes by.”

“yeah.  damn.  can’t believe i missed that.”

“well that’s why you’re marrying me.”  he looks up at her as she wiggles her eyebrows.  “for my brains.”  he laughs softly & turns back to the list.  “did you have a date in mind?”

“august fifth.”

“that’s pretty specific.”

“it’s a nothing day.”

“perfect for a wedding.”

~

a fourth of july picnic two weeks later has him sitting beside her as the ring on her finger glistens in the sunlight.

~

“mrs. song this is my fiancée eunsook.”  eunsook reaches out her hand that the elder woman doesn’t take, eyeing her with a mix of suspicion & surprise.  she pulls her hand back, glancing at minho, & lets it drop to her side.

“it’s nice to meet you.” a timid smile is pressed on her lips that is acknowledged with a silent nod & eyes that turn away from her & narrow at her husband.  the tension is palpable between mrs. song & minho & a part of her wonders if it is her presence that is the cause.  without comment, minho moves into the hallway & begins walking toward the back.  eunsook gives mrs. song a little wave as she follows.  the back door opens out onto a little patio & she steps through as he holds it for her.  it sits in the middle of a large green lawn spotted with blooming rose bushes & the air is rich with their perfume as butterflies & bees fly freely in the soft summer breeze.  an older woman, about mrs. song’s age, lays out in a chaise in the shade & an elderly man is pushing a motorless trimmer through the grass.

“mr. cho!”, minho calls, heading towards the man who stops & looks over his shoulder at them.  a smile blooms on his face when he sees minho that grows confused when he sees eunsook with him. 

“mr. cho this is my fiancee eunsook.”  again her hand reaches out & this time it is taken & shaken vigorously.

“it’s good to meet you eunsook.”

“it’s nice to meet you too mr. cho.”

“that’s my wife over there,” he says pointing at the woman who appears to sleeping.  “she comes with me & takes a rest while i work.”  a glance at minho & a nervous shift.  “that won’t be a problem, will it?”  eunsook blinks & shakes her head, wondering why he would feel the need to ask.  especially her.

“no!  not at all.  i think that’s lovely.”  he smiles & nods & they let him get back to his work.

back inside, minho gives her a brief tour of the home, starting with the dining room whose doors they’d just stepped through out onto the yard.  it’s elegant in a simple way, delicate chandelier hanging over a dark table & matching chairs with a patterned rug beneath & a watercolor behind.  the kitchen is how she remembers it; tiny with a farm sink & old-fashioned stove & refrigerator, a round wooden table worn with age tucked in a shady corner in the back.  they pass the front door & the door to his study ending in the den that is no longer the family room of their youth.

an enormous television set hangs on one wall & there is a large sofa & matching arm chair angled in front.  a bookshelf stacked with game machines & controllers catches her eye.

“that,” eunsook says, taking in the sight of assorted gaming systems stacked on shelves & the boxes of cartridges organized alphabetically in the tv room, “is a lot of games.”  minho shrugs.

“i like playing.  helps me unwind.”  she leans in & reads the titles through the clear canisters.

“i’m noticing a theme.”

“i like soccer.”

“i’ve noticed.”

“you disapprove?”  she looks over at him, confused.

“of course not.  why would i?”

“some people think it’s a silly hobby for a grown man to have.”  a half-smile/half-frown as she stands up, turning towards him.

“no one gets hurt & it makes you a better person because it makes you happy.  nothing silly about that.”

“huh.”

“what?”

“i’ve never thought of it that way.”  eunsook shrugs.

“happy people are nice people.  nice people make other people happy.”

“yeah, i guess you’re right.”

“of course i’m right.  i’m the wife.”  wiggling her eyebrows, she laughs which causes minho to smile himself.  “will you teach me some time?”

“to play?”

“yeah.”

“no.”

“what?  why?”

“because you’ll win.”  she laughs again as she follows him out of the room. 

 minho takes her into his study & shuts the door, gesturing to a chair that faces his desk.  the coverings over a small window to her right are half-open & warm daylight falls to the ground by her feet.

“i think that went well.”

“mrs. song hates me.”

“no.  she doesn’t trust you yet.  give her time.”

~

eunsook stands straight in her ivory shift dress & matching flats with a loose braid resting against her spine & teardrop pearls dangling from her ears.  the lit eyes & bright smile of her cousin at the announcement of their engagement had been followed with an elaborate description of what she felt eunsook should wear on her wedding day; advice that had been refused.  eunsook had borne her cousin’s persistent pout for the last week because anything more than the simple outfit she wore this afternoon would have felt fraudulent & cruel in the face of what she was about to do.  it was a real wedding but a fake marriage & the groom had been engaged to another less than six months ago.

eunsook blushes when minho leans down & kisses her gently on the lips, her eyes open for their first kiss.  this part of the ceremony had not been addressed during any of their preparations & she had actually forgotten the tradition, surprised now that minho hadn’t brought it up.  the whoops coming from his friends & her cousin startle her out of her confusion & she smiles awkwardly at her husband. 

“lady & gentlemen, mr. & mrs. choi minho.”  minho stretches out his hand & she takes it, following as he leads her towards their witnesses.  gwiboon grabs her up in a tight hug just as minho high-fives his friend jonghyun.  they’re still holding hands as minho leans into his father’s embrace & as his father places his hands on her cheeks & kisses her forehead murmuring, “we are all better for having you in our lives.  congratulations.”

minho holds her hand all the way to the car, opening her door & watching as she seats herself before finally releasing her fingers.  the drive is short to the restaurant where they hold a brief, informal reception with only their witnesses as guests.  a formal reception has already been planned to be held at the choi estate at the end of the month; a celebration that had eunsook nervously biting her lip & pushing at her glasses if she dwelt on the matter too much.

a delicious meal followed by jovial conversation ends with eunsook smiling at the glint in gwiboon’s eye (& the suggestive waggle of her eyebrows) & accepting a hug from her father-in-law & a handshake from her husband’s best friend.  soon enough they are again in the car heading this time to the house they will now share as husband & wife.

~

eunsook watches out the window as the landscape morphs from concrete & steel to dark earth & heavy woods.  the soft crunch of gravel beneath the tires marks their arrival as does the lake coming into view before disappearing again as they come down the drive.  minho parks on the rounded driveway directly between the front door & a path that leads down to the lake. 

she steps out & looks out at the water shimmering beneath the summer sun.  a cool breeze blows their way through the trees & the quiet is punctuated intermittently by the faint sound of birds.  a dock stretches out into the lake with a pair of metal chairs that will need to be brought in once the weather cools. 

“eunsook.”  she turns at the sound of her name & follows her husband into their new home.  as a child there were many visits made to the choi lake house, especially when minho’s mother had still been alive.  scattered memories of b-b-qs & boat rides with their parents & her siblings brings a bittersweet smile to her face & she pauses at the base of the stairs as minho unlocks the front door. 

a wooden deck stretches uncovered from the front of the house to the back with a gliding bench & small table between a pair of wooden rocking chair resting on its planks.  as she steps inside she’s struck by how nearly twenty years had passed since she’d last visited & yet nothing had changed. 

the wood panels she remembers still cover the walls & the floor.  enormous windows let sunshine stream through the house to the upper landing & another through the main door to the base of the stairs.  a small country kitchen is to her immediate left, a large study to her right, & she knows that just down the hall, behind the stairwell, there is a dining room & a den.  she presses her hand to the banister & looks up the stairs.  there are four bedrooms up there & a small sun room that looks out over the lake.  a full bathroom sits just to the left of the head of the stairs & there is a half-bath in the master bedroom just to the right.  the bedroom that is now hers is directly across the hall from his & half the size, though the bathroom with the enormous whirlpool tub will now be for her alone. 

of the two rooms left one was furnished as a guest room & the other a sitting room, reminiscent in some ways of the playroom it had functioned as when they were young, when she was called ‘sookie’ & he was called ‘min’.  suspicions had risen that it was set up for her when she had seen the lamps, sitting chairs, & a medium-sized television that was no match for the giant screen that sat in the den below.  his sudden appearance behind her when they had visited the house the week previous, asking if she liked it, had been met with a nod & a grateful smile.

the stairs creak beneath their feet as they make their way to the top.  without speaking they each step into their respective bedrooms & shut their doors, the click of the doorknobs settling in unison. 

it is a small room, less than a foot between the edge of her bed & the window, just enough between the foot & the dresser for the drawers to open with ease, & a mere two steps from where she will sleep to the doorway.  the bed sits on a cream-colored rug that cools the warmth brought by wooden planks above & below. an enormous window across from the door glows beneath white vertical blinds & lace curtains.  the ceiling slants sharply with the same deep wooden slats as throughout the rest of the house. 

eunsook steps out of her flats & lets the shift she wears fall to the floor.  both are placed on a soft mauve chair in the corner of the room before a breezy tunic & a pair of loose pants dug out of the tall dresser across from the foot of her bed are pulled on.  the brass frame squeaks softly as she sits on the mattress & steps into her brown leather sandals.  stepping again into the hallway it occurs to her that they hadn’t actually discussed what they would do at the end of the day.  the ceremony was over & they had had supper.  the sun would be setting in a few hours, but there was still plenty of time to play a game, watch a film, take a walk, or just talk.  his door is already open & her hand is at the railing when the click of a door being shut reaches her.  looking down she sees that it was the study door & the only thing he had asked of her when they had come to the house last week was that he not be disturbed when the door was closed.  she watches for a bit, mulling things over, then she steps back in, grabs her tablet, & heads down the stairs & out the front door.  the rocker is warm from the sun & shifts gently as she absently moves it back & forth.  the sandals lay haphazardly on the deck & her feet are tucked beneath her as she begins to read, the ring on her finger glistening in the sunlight.


	2. k-i-s-s-i-n-g

eunsook stands at the sitting room window & watches her husband pace the drive.  the road that leads to their house also leads to a path that leads to the lake.  wide gray steps move from the gravel drive down a shallow grassy hill to the water’s edge & the dock.  he’s walking the path now, bypassing the lapping waves that shimmer in the full moonlight & keeping to the soft dirt.  the moonlight was what had drawn her to the window & minho’s movements have kept her there.  a single hand waves through the air, the other buried in a pocket, his lips move in a passionate conversation with someone only he can see.  abruptly he squats down & buries his face in his hands, shoulders shaking.  it isn’t the first time she has seen him cry in the dark.

junghee.  he still speaks to her sometimes & eunsook has caught pieces of the one-sided conversation that breaks her heart in more ways than one: she cannot compete with a ghost.

stepping away from the window & walking to her room, she slips beneath the sheets, stares at the light of the moon that illuminates the wooden planks of her ceiling, & thinks that it is a nice home; small & quaint, old-fashioned & rustic. 

~

a mere two weeks has passed & eunsook is growing uneasy.  minho’s arrival at the house each night is punctuated with a polite smile & the click of the study door & even the weekend found her in the house alone.  they have no reason to speak, she knows, & the likelihood that he is legitimately busy is quite high.  mr. cho & mrs. cho have come & gone without comment each time & attempts at conversation with mrs. song have been rebuffed with single-word answers & a turned back.  loneliness begins to settle in during her days & in their separate evenings, especially when she sees him walk beneath the moon alone.  junghee’s requests had been clear & the suspicion that she is failing them both is deepening.

their reception tonight is the first time that they will be in a room together for more than five minutes since they were married.  an elegant affair that had gwiboon squealing & a knot quickly tightening in eunsook’s stomach.  in contrition for ignoring the suggestions presented for her wedding attire, eunsook had agreed to allow gwiboon to choose what would be worn this evening with the firm stipulation that neither cleavage nor stilettos would make an appearance. 

though her cousin had pouted & swiveled her shoulders, attempting to appear cute & demure while she held up the shiny black shoes, eunsook had never wavered in her determination to never place three inch spikes beneath her heels.   exasperated, gwiboon muttered something unintelligible & sat on the leather bench as eunsook scanned the shelves for something that would please them both, something “as sexy as dowdy can get” as gwiboon so astutely grumbled.  the joy in gwiboon’s eye didn’t go unnoticed & she couldn’t help but laugh out loud when her cousin turned her head & shrugged her shoulders, muttering “they’re ok”.

the suggestion of contacts was nearly dismissed when the thought occurred to her that she had never actually tried them & now was as good a time as any; she’d already done so much.  the bonus of being unconstrained by her glasses was also appealing.  tonight she wishes they sat atop her nose as a shield against the stares.  the nervous habit of pushing them up leaves her finger poking her naked nose & making gwiboon chuckle.

the heads that turn when they enter the reception hall is a response that has been witnessed many times by eunsook to gwiboon’s presence.  a sense of awe is often drawn from strangers at the sight of her cousin & tonight is no exception.  gwiboon wears a muted gray dress with bright green heels, a splash of color that matches the elegant jade earrings hanging from her ears.  a smile lights her face as she glances back & gently tugs eunsook away from the doors.  a deep purple dress clings to eunsook’s curves, cutting just below her knees & held tight by a thin black belt.  diamond studs sparkle from her ears beneath hair that has been lightly teased & gently curled (“just a bit of texture” gwiboon had assured her as she gleefully began eunsook’s makeover).  a thin silver bracelet hangs from her left wrist & twists beneath her palm absently as she searches the room for her husband.

minho was meant to arrive with her, the bride & the groom making an entrance together at their reception an obvious conclusion.  things had gone slightly wrong & timing had been confused & he is on his way now while she waits with a nervous smile & fidgets with her bracelet.     

gwiboon stands beside her as women she’s known most of her life, or at least most of their marriages, approach her with unfamiliar smiles on their faces & generic congratulations, jieun among them.  they were one of junghee’s closest friends, if not her closest, & the smile on her face is far too saccharine to be true.  eunsook smiles back & wonders why junghee hadn’t left her final words with her friend.

“eunsook is that you?  you look amazing.  what a bold choice.”  the backhandedness of the compliment is not lost on eunsook, nor on gwiboon if the minute narrowing of her eyes is any indication.  “such a surprise to see you all dressed up tonight.  who knew that marriage would suit you so well?”

“yes it’s...very nice.”  she grimaces at the lame response, watching the smile on jieun’s face deepen into a smirk.  gwiboon moves to speak & eunsook cuts her off, slipping her arm through her cousin’s & excusing them both, telling jieun to enjoy herself & wishing her a good evening.

gwiboon is frowning as she murmurs, “you shouldn’t let her talk to you like that.”

“she just lost her best friend, gwiboon,” eunsook sighs, still searching for minho, “& i married her fiancee.  one remark is nothing in comparison to what she must be going through.”  a pat to gwiboon’s hand has her cousin nodding reluctantly & giving her a weak smile. 

eunsook thinks that either gwiboon has succeeded beyond expectation or failed beyond forgiveness when minho walks past them with only a curt nod & a polite smile while his eyes graze the room. 

“minho!  hi!”  gwiboon places her hand on eunsook’s & gently moves it off her arm as she steps forward to grab minho’s shoulder & place a chaste kiss to his cheek.

“gwiboon!  hi!  have you seen eunsook?”  gwiboon laughs & eunsook flushes, stepping forward.

“hi minho.”  

time passes painfully slow as he stares at her, as though he was laying eyes on a stranger imitating her voice.  the effect her appearance is having on him is far more dramatic than she’d anticipated & his silence is beginning to make her uncomfortable.  

“eunsook?  you look...”  his eyes move down her form slowly & she feels a heat creep into her cheeks.  suddenly he steps forward with a hand to her elbow & a concerned, “where are your glasses?”

“oh.  at the house.”

“can you see ok?”  nodding, she chuckles & points to her eyes.

“yeah.  contacts.”

“are they comfortable?”

“actually, yeah.  it was weird at first but i got these plastic ones that slip over my eyeball.  it’s really nice to be able to see so clearly.  though i do keep trying to push my glasses up.”  her finger pokes her nose in an imitation of the action & they both laugh.  suddenly there’s an arm around eunsook’s waist & gwiboon is resting her hand on her shoulder.

“doesn’t she look pretty though?”  eunsook’s eyes widen in embarrassment as minho nods.

“yes, you look very pretty.”

“thanks.” 

“come on,” he says, putting out his elbow, “let’s go work the room so we can go back home.”  laughing, her hand slips through the crook of his elbow & a quick wave good-bye is sent to gwiboon who gives her a flirty smile. 

his father is the last they bid farewell to.  he entreats them both to stay the night but minho declines before eunsook can give the same answer.  they hug & he kisses her hair before the pair leave in minho’s car.  they ride in a neutral silence with minho’s eyes on the road & eunsook’s on the moon as it plays peek-a-boo in the ink black sky.  it’s minho’s key that unlocks the door & he holds it open for her before disappearing into his study.  eunsook heads up the stairs & has reached the landing when she hears the door open & minho’s voice call her from below.  her hand rests on the banister as she glances back over her shoulder.

“yes?”

“you really do look very pretty.”

“thanks.”

“you don’t have to, you know.”

“don’t have to what?”

“look pretty.”

“oh.  ok.”  he nods with a tight smile & disappears back into the study, the door clicking loudly in the house.  there’s a pause before she moves towards her room, closing the door before slipping off the bracelet from her wrist & placing the earrings back into their velvet box.  the shoes she’d fought for clatter into the corner by the chair & her body falls heavily onto her bed & she stares at the ceiling.  the chance that he’d meant it to sound the way it had was small but it still stung a little.  not something to cry over either way.  she sits back up & slips out of her dress into a cotton nightgown, heading to the bathroom to wash her face & brush her teeth.  ten minutes later she pops out of bed to take her new contacts out.

~

after a month of watching from a window as minho walks in the rapidly growing dark, eunsook brokers the courage to join him.  the red knit shawl that has begun making an appearance at the cooling of the night air is wrapped around her shoulders as her bare feet slip into the leather sandals lying haphazardly on the floor.  the warmth of summer is still felt in the air though it is now tempered by the loss of the evening sun & the steady approach of autumn.  the night sky glitters with starlight above her & the glow of a moon that is nearly full.  the crunch of minho’s steps on the gravel fade & return as he makes his rounds, a darkened form that fades into the black & reemerges as a man.  the third time he disappears she steps out onto the gravel & waits for his return with plans to ask if she might be permitted to join him on such a lovely night. 

infuriated.  that is the only way to describe his reaction when he sees her wave & hears him call his name.  stopping dead in his tracks, staring at her though she can’t quite yet see his face.  her hand is slowly falling when he abruptly moves towards her, nearly running, his eyes dark & narrow.  no words are exchanged as he grabs her by the elbow, pulls her up the stairs, throws open the door & pushes her into the house, slamming the door shut behind her.  moonlight streams through the window overhead onto the stairs before her as his footsteps thud against the patio onto the gravel & swiftly disappear. 

no move is made from where he left her, too shocked to do much other than stand & wonder what had just happened.  the events that have brought her to this empty hallway are analyzed again & again & she can think of no action taken that should have caused him to be so violently angry.  though he had not hurt her, she was quite shaken to see how quickly he had moved to make her disappear.  slowly she steps forward & begins climbing the wooden stairs that will lead her to the safety of her bedroom & thinks in wonderment of just how right junghee has been. 

~

eunsook ignores the knock at her door, keeping her eyes on the tablet in her hand.  it would be a more aggressive gesture if her door weren’t open & minho standing in the doorway weren’t visible out of the corner of her eye from where she lies on the bed.

“eunsook.”  she remains silent & stares at the blazing white screen, wishing she’d turned down the light level before entering into this staring contest.  there had been no further interaction between them after their disastrous encounter in the dark yesterday & his arrival back at the house this evening had not been noted until just now when his fist had tapped at her door.  the impulse to slam it in his face is tempered by the knowledge that an apology is forthcoming.

“look, i was a complete jerk last night & i’m very sorry.  especially for grabbing you.  are you hurt at all?”

“you’re not that strong,” she mutters, her eyes beginning to burn.

“that’s not the point.”  the tablet drops to the mattress & she sighs at the clear remorse in his eyes. 

“no.  the point is that you’re apologizing & i’m forgiving you.”  he nods as though he doesn’t quite believe her & she doesn’t blame him; her tone is hardly kind.

“that’s good.  thank you.  um..” he glances over his shoulder & back, asking, “would you like to join me this evening?  i thought it would be nice to...you know...walk...i guess.  together.”  she watches with a bemused smile as he stumbles over his words.

“this isn’t coming out right.  i was a jerk & should never have touched you.  i’m really sorry.  would you like to join me on a walk this evening?”  she watches him for a moment, analyzing, making him wait.

“sure.”  the bed creaks beneath her as she rolls over & her leather sandals clatter against the floorboards as they head down the stairs.

they don’t talk.  eunsook wonders if minho has asked her out of guilt, if he has forgotten that she has joined him, or if he just can’t think of anything to say.  “baby steps,” she thinks, holding her arms tight around her waist.  just asking her has been enough.

~

eunsook’s progress with mrs. song is slow but steady, culminating two months after their first meeting with a tentative friendship & a happy visit.  mrs. song begrudgingly allows eunsook to assist with the modest meals that she prepares & eunsook takes the opportunity to tend to the upstairs bedrooms (under the guise of care for the older woman’s arthritic knees).  she doesn’t take over her work completely, leaving her with the dignity to earn her pay & keep herself busy with duties that have been hers for more years than eunsook has been alive. 

they chat as she cleans, eunsook knitting in the living room as mrs. song dusts & lifting her bare feet as the elderly woman pushes the roaring vacuum across the floor.  their relationship is nearly a secret & a bond between a woman who is being a bit ignored by her husband & one who is losing ground in the world.

minho finds them one afternoon slicing vegetables for a salad & laughing in the kitchen.

“what’s this?” he asks, surprise & confusion on his face.

“a salad,” eunsook replies with a smile.

“you’re helping?”

“yeah.  i mean,” a quick glance to mrs. song & back at minho.  “that’s ok, right?”

“of course i just...i didn’t realize you could,” he waves his hands around, “cook.”

“did you ever ask her?” mrs. song snips as eunsook replies, “this is hardly cooking...”  mortified, her eyes flit to mrs. song who is staring minho down with a look that dares him to argue.

“uh...”

“why are you home?” eunsook cuts in quickly, wiping her hands on a towel & walking towards him, placing herself as a buffer between the other two.  “are you ok?”

“yeah i just forgot some papers & came back to pick them up.”

“oh!  i could have brought them to you.”

“oh i just...yeah i don’t know what i was thinking.”  a palm rubs the back of his neck as a sheepish smile lights his face.

“do you want to stay for lunch?”

“no, i need to get back. 

“ok.”  they stand awkwardly facing each other, not certain how they should behave now that there is a witness.  eunsook steps forward & kisses minho quickly on the cheek.

“see you tonight.”

“yeah.  see you.”  he stands a moment longer until a subtle nod of eunsook’s head reminds him why he is in the house to begin with.

“bye.”  turning, he crosses the hallway & heads into his study.  eunsook turns back to the cook with a tight smile that doesn’t quite reach her eyes & begins slicing her vegetables again, asking mrs. song a question about her grandson that she knows the older woman won’t be able to leave unanswered.  neither of the women notice minho’s hesitation in the hallway & the sound of the disappearing car is overwhelmed by the noise of their knives & laughter.

~

“you can join me on a walk tonight, if you’d like.”

“i guess i could settle for conversation.”  the lights shut off & he waits for her to slip on the red shawl over her shoulders before they step out into the cool autumn air.  it has become something of a routine for them, a nightly stroll that starts with less & less light as the warm daylight of summer slowly melts into the cool dusk of autumn.  laughter has begun to permeate their walks & little anecdotes are shared about their separate lives.

tonight he follows the line of her finger as she points out a pattern of stars that light the night sky.  the sun was nearly set when they began their walk & the moon is now standing guard as they breathe in the night air. 

back inside, he follows her up the stairs.  an awkward pause cuts between them when they reach the landing, not quite sure how to say good night now that they are becoming friends.  they each step forward & then retreat, startled by the other’s movements & uncertain of their own.  finally, minho touches her arm & says “good night”.  the sentiment is returned & he steps away into his own room, closing his door & listening to her footsteps fade away.

~

minho groans when he wakes to the sound of knocking on his bedroom door, groaning louder as the banging increases.  he really, really doesn’t want to move & it takes him a few moments to remember that he lives with eunsook now & he should probably see what she wants.  he is halfway to the door when a bolt of lightning lights up his bedroom followed by a deep roll of thunder that sounds as though it is directly overhead. 

opening the door, he finds eunsook curled up on the floor with her knees to her chest & her hands pressed over her ears, eyes squeezed shut.  as he squats down beside her he is startled to discover that she is crying.

“hey,” he says, reaching out to touch her shoulder.  she jerks away, eyes wide & glistening, before flinging her arms around his neck, gripping him tightly & he’s startled by how violently she’s shaking.  he moves so that she sits in his lap & he wraps his arms around her, hands rubbing up & down her spine.  another bolt of lightning has her grip tightening & her tears turning to sobs.

“afraid of lightning?”  she nods into his chest & hiccups.  “ok.  shhh, it’s ok.  i’m going to stand up & we’re going to go lay down in my bed, ok?”  another nod & she grips onto his bicep as he stands up.  an arm is kept around her shoulder as he leads her into his room, pulling back the sheet & letting her slide in.  he goes to the other side & climbs into the bed, laying down beside her and stroking her hair as she rolls over & clings to his chest.  they lay that way, his arms holding her close until she finally falls asleep.  an hour passes before he does as well, too busy thinking about how he’s never seen eunsook frightened, how he didn’t even know she was afraid of thunderstorms, & wondering what else he doesn’t know.

~

eunsook wakes up alone in minho’s bed.  a crinkle of white paper against the charcoal gray sheets holds his handwriting & a note that makes her smile.

~

“what are you doing?!”

“shopping!” eunsook calls over her shoulder, the feel of the air rustling through her hair delightful.  both feet are up on the bar at the base of the cart & she is leaning to the right to keep it from veering too far to the left.  a foot drops to the ground & slaps the linoleum a few times before popping back up as she rides to the end of the canned goods aisle.

the cart stops with a few skids of her shoe & she turns around, slightly breathless, grinning at her husband who looks mortified as he walks up to join her. 

“do you always do that?!”

“do you never?”  he bristles at the question & she laughs at the indignation on his face.

“i’m an adult.”

“and?”

“and adults don’t do that.”

“i’m an adult & i just did.”  a proud smile crinkles her eyes.

“well you shouldn’t.”

“why?”

“because.  just because.”

“are you telling me not to or are you telling me i shouldn’t?”  he sighs, pressing the can of tomatoes in his hand to his forehead, muttering, “what does it matter?  you’re going to do it anyway.”  the smile falters & she looks down at her feet, embarrassed to suddenly feel ashamed.

“i won’t.  not if it really upsets you.”  he turns, peering at her with one eye, standing up fully & watching the way she unconsciously twists her foot against the linoleum.

“let me have a try.”

“are you sure?”

“if i’m going to have an opinion on the matter it might as well be informed.”  laughing, she steps away, watching as he awkwardly presses his hands to the handle & braces a foot on the bar. 

“so i just...”  he takes a few tentative pushes with the other foot, letting the cart roll slowly up the aisle.

“yeah, just like that.”  a few more & he begins to get comfortable, picking up speed & leaning over the bar as it moves swiftly down the aisle.  it’s eunsook’s turn to be embarrassed at her spouse’s antics when minho cries out “whoo hoo!” as he nears the end.  when he comes back he pops off & throws up his hand that she eagerly slaps.

“i take back everything.  that was amazing.  truly the only way to shop.”

~

he can feel a shift in their interactions, how he is noticing her more & more & that it isn’t any change on her part but just that he is finally seeing her for the first time.  he has always thought of her as his father’s dowdy friend, when he thought of her at all; the girl who disappears into her clothes & into her books & whose name he always forgets until his father introduces them again.

it is embarrassing to think of how many years they have known each other & how he knows nothing about her except that she is an orphan & that his father loves her, perhaps more than his own son.  he’s never understood what it is about her that makes his father light up upon seeing her but he is beginning to notice the reasons why she makes him smile.

it is true that she is quite shy.  he’s noticed how she grows quiet, sometimes silent when they are out in a crowd, her eyes sometimes travelling towards spaces that are devoid of people.  the thought strikes him that she may miss hiding in crevices & he tries to not push her into social situations where too much conversation will be held: now that the social season has waned it isn’t such an issue.  it is different, however, when they are alone.  still quiet around him, she is also bold & growing bolder.  he laughs at her jokes & admires her wit, watching in amazement as rolls of yarn turn into elaborate designs that grow into beautiful blankets.  he glowers petulantly when her victories tower over his at games of both skill & chance & suffers her laughter at his defeat.  he’s unsurprised to discover she is quite smart & a piece of his heart aches watching the way her relationship with mrs. song blooms, the smile when they are together brilliant.  he wants to be the recipient of that smile, that laugh: she is so beautiful when she laughs.

the clothes she wears are still a size too large & she usually wears her hair up in a mess: the times she lets it down takes his breath away.  watching her habit of pushing her glasses up her nose when nervous is endearing, though he often wants to take them away so that they’ll stop bothering her. 

minho has a crush on his wife & it is playing with his head.

little things are happening between them, little touches when they go on walks in the chill night air.  autumn has fully arrived & the gravel still crunches beneath their feet as hands brush against each other & neither of them acknowledge it.  he lets his hands linger on her shoulders when he helps her with her shawl & her fingers travel down his arm as she leans against him & points to a deer.  he’s caught her watching him & he’s caught himself watching her & he doesn’t know what it all means but it doesn’t mean nothing. 

he’s made an agreement with her, spelled it out on paper, & while there is nothing directly said about physical relations he definitely feels the implications were that there would be none.  he can’t ask, can’t say anything at all.  he’s brought them into this situation & he won’t risk their precarious relationship because he is lonely.  that’s what he tries to convince himself it is: just loneliness.  it doesn’t stop him from letting their fingers brush together or his hands from lingering.  it only keeps him from kissing her hair or holding her hand or brushing his thumb against her cheek & asking if he can kiss her.  it keeps him from the important things.

~

it’s a frosty evening when he comes home to find eunsook in a mess of a kitchen, his plain black apron covered in flour with metal cups & spoons scattered over the counters.  the oven warms the tiny room & the smell of sugar cookies wafts through the doorway.

“is that my apron?”  she jumps, little granules of sugar spilling to the floor & he laughs at the shock on her face.

“minho!  i didn’t even hear you pull up!  yes, i guess.  it was the only one in the cupboard.”

“what are you making?”

“i...”  eyes flit around the chaos in the small kitchen & back to him before crinkling in a sheepish smile. “i was just making cookies.”

“from scratch?”

“yes i...  there’s something lovely about making things, about being able to follow a recipe & having it come out just as you’d hoped.  i just really enjoy it.  if i had known you were going to be back so soon i would have started earlier.”  minho leans against the doorframe with crossed arms & a chuckle.

“why?”

“i didn’t want you to see the kitchen like this.  it can get pretty...” her hand waves around as her forehead crinkles in concentration, searching for the word.

“it’s a disaster, sook.”  another sheepish smile & a shrug of her apron-clad shoulders.

“i know.  but don’t worry, i’ll get it all cleaned up as soon as i’m done.”  dishes start piling in the sink as she moves around the kitchen & gathers them up, the water roaring as the bits of batter & powders wash away.  “the bowl & the spatulas i still need, but everything else can get set up in the dishwasher.”

“it’s fine to make a mess, sook.”  the water shuts off & eunsook turns back & sighs.

“i just didn’t mean for you to see it.”  a shrug & a shy smile that surprises him.  “a point of pride, i guess.”

“ah.  well then i’ll pretend i saw nothing & act surprised when i come out in...”  the smile he wants for himself shines. 

“an hour should be enough.”

“an hour.”  he reaches his hand out & she slaps their palms together.  eunsook’s begun loading the dishwasher when he turns back & braces his hands against the doorway, leaning in.

“sook?”

“yes?”

“save me some cookies.”  this time a laugh joins her smile.

“of course!”

the plate is warm beneath his fingers when he picks up a cookie that is almost too hot, making them both laugh when he blows on his fingertips.  a hum & closed eyes are his reply to her query “good?”,  a nod & a soft “so good” soon to follow.  the sound of a gentle chuckle breezes against his ears & as he opens his eyes he asks if he can have two more.

the bite of the last cookie is in his mouth & he’s still smiling at the flavor bursting on his tongue.  eunsook sits on the seat across the table from him with her legs crossed & her elbows on her knees.  they’ve been talking & eating cookies for the last ten minutes & laughter had ebbed & flowed while they munched on the sweets.

“thank you.  they were delicious.”

“you’re welcome,” she replies as she rises & leans in to take his plate.  “there’s more hidden throughout the kitchen.”  a chuckle puffs through his lips as she winks.  the air shifts abruptly when she leans forward to brush a crumb from the corner of his mouth, her finger brushing against his skin twice more than necessary & her eyes are on his lips two seconds too long.  turning his head towards her hand causes his lips to brush her fingers & it still takes another one-one thousand for her to reluctantly pull her hand away.  when he looks up she’s watching him with flushed cheeks.  then it’s her back disappearing across the hall, the plate dropped haphazardly in the sink, & the fading echo of her footsteps up the stairs ending with the sound of a door closing shut.

~

eunsook sits on her bed & stares at the door & waits for her heartbeat to settle.    thoughts have been dancing through her head the last few weeks & tonight they almost took control of her actions.  they’re winning now if she’s honest.  a chance remains that everything that makes the thoughts dance through her head are misinterpretations of incidents that are actually insignificant.  the fingers his lips had brushed now brush her own & there’s just enough hope that she’s not wrong to move her to her feet.  

~

eunsook steps out of her bedroom just as minho reaches the top of the stairs & they stand on the landing watching each other in the dimness.  the energy that had crackled between them earlier that night electrifies the air now & her arms tingle at the sensation.  as he begins to turn away with a murmured “good night” & a quick smile, she takes the opportunity to say, “i know that this is a contract marriage & all.  but two years is a long time & we...”  the words she wants to say slip to the side & fade away, taking her breath with them & it’s only the darkness of his eyes & the bob of his throat as he swallows that gives her the courage to continue without them.  “we can be close.”

another swallow & his eyes are guarded as he repeats her words in the form of a question.  a careful step toward him, the floor cold beneath her bare feet, moving as one would toward a deer they didn’t want to startle away.

“close.” a whisper now that he’s near enough to hear.  he watches her quietly, unmoving, his eyes widening slightly as his hand is taken in hers & placed on her hip with a smile before she rises onto the tips of her toes to kiss him gently, willing him to kiss her back. 

a gasp breaks through her lips on his as the hand at her hip moves to the small of her back & pulls her flush against his body.  another hand reaches up & cradles her neck & her mouth opens with a moan as their kiss dances away from its chaste inception.  fingers clutch at his waist, grasping at the material of his shirt & her feet carry her across the threshold that lies between the landing & his bedroom with a familiarity that does not exist.  he pulls her down onto the mattress with him & she laughs as they roll over & he quickly scrambles to brace himself over her prone form.

the shirt she’d gripped has been banished to the ground in the blackened room, only the pale light of a three quarter moon glowing through the open window guiding their actions.  their lips burn & his hands have already been up the thin nightshirt she’d slipped into before taking this chance when he suddenly stops & leans back.  

“wait, wait.”  fingers scratch bluntly down his chest & she wiggles her hips as he pauses.  “are you sure?”

“yes, yes.”  hands grabbing at his shoulders are ignored & he doesn’t move.

“no, eunsook.  are you sure?”  she quits fidgeting & looks up at him, at his eyes.  even when he’s asking, when he’s reminding them both of the magnitude of what they’re about to do, she’s certain.

“yes.”  a solemn nod & he’s kissing her again, moving his lips down from hers to her neck.  her legs spread & a finger runs through his hair as he begins caressing her breasts beneath her flimsy nightdress, pulling one out & sucking on the sensitive flesh, the other soon to follow.  a moan escapes into the warming air as he moves back up & she tastes his mouth, biting her lip as he pulls away.  kisses sprinkle down her body as he moves between her legs, his lips laughing against her thigh when he finds no underwear.

one hand braces against the headboard & the other twines with his hand at her hip as minho licks & sucks & does everything so very, very right.  it isn’t necessary but it is a nice bonus. 

“you, you,” she whispers as she sits up, pulling him up, her fingers already tugging down his flannel pants.  the mattress shifts as he kicks them off & then moves away. 

a quiet, “condom” is murmured by explanation as he pulls a sleeve out of the bedside drawer.  shaky hands tear the packet & roll the condom up as he kneels before her on the bed.  when she leans forward to do more her face is taken into his hands & “another time” is whispered against her lips.

the sheets are soft against her back & minho pulls away only long enough to push into her & then her heels are braced against the mattress as he begins slowly working his hips.  hands roam everywhere over his body; up & down his back, through his hair, against his chest.  “ _more, more_ ,” she whispers, groaning when his movements quicken, pulling him towards her by the neck, her lips scattering marks across his shoulders, collarbones, & chest, receiving the warmth of his breath against the crook of her neck in response: the ghost of kisses against the quickening beat of her heart. 

“ _right there, right there, god, yes!_ ”

they don’t say each other’s name because this isn’t about that & enough is being spoken through the way their lips suck & nibble & everything in between as minho’s thrusts stroke deep to make acknowledgment of who else they are superfluous. 

her palms press against his chest as her hips shift, pushing him up & rolling them over so that she is on top, one hand braced against the headboard & the other in her hair as she bounces in his lap.  thin fingers run up & down her sides, up to her breasts where he cups them, sitting up to mark them with his lips, an arm around her waist.  the hand in her hair falls to his neck & she holds him close when she feels his tongue swirl around her nipples.

“ _soon_ ,” she whispers, her limbs growing soft.  heavy swallows ebb against the moans spilling over her lips & she does her best to catch her breath, movements becoming desperate in all the heat.  the neck in her hand is damp & her body is everywhere warm & wet.  he nods against her breasts & pulls her closer & her fingers tighten in his hair.  toes curl as her back arches & her breath is lost for a moment, coming back with a guttural moan that vibrates through her quivering body.  her eyes are still closed as he rolls them onto their sides, pulling her leg above his waist & thrusting in slow.

“good?”  she laughs, opening her eyes & leaning in to suck his lips into her mouth, an arm curling again around his neck.  they lay like that for a while, minho giving eunsook the chance to catch her breath before moving them again. 

her knees are tucked against his sides, his head buried in her neck when he cums, little moans that ring hot in her ears.  she kisses his cheek & runs her fingers through his hair.

“that...was really good.  we should definitely do this again.”  she shrieks when his fingers tickle her sides & moans when lips suck at the sensitive skin just above her collarbone.

“no time like the present.”

the mattress is firm beneath her stomach, a hand linked with his & the other cupping his chin the next time his skilled hips make her toes curl.

~

eunsook wakes up warm & soft snuggled beneath blankets that cover her from her head to her feet.  a deep breath & gentle sigh as she kicks out her leg in a quick stretch, shrieking when her ankle hits something solid to her left.  it takes a moment to fight her way out of the coverings & she gasps & ducks again beneath them when she sees minho’s open eyes blinking at her.

“i can see you, you know.”

“can you pretend you don’t?” comes her muffled reply.  “just until my heart stops pounding?”

“regrets?”  her brow crinkles at the question because no, no regrets & he sounds a little sad.  the covers are tucked over her head & under her chin, only her mouth & eyes poking out causing him to laugh.

“no.  just startled.”  he props his head up on his hand & gives a little pout.

“forgot me already?”  a little snort as she sits up wiggling her eyebrows.

“you could always help me remember.”  he begins to lean towards her & she presses a finger to his lips with a gentle smirk.  “after we brush our teeth.”

~

“i met someone.”  eunsook taps the ceramic mug in her hand with a finger & smiles knowingly at her cousin.  there were only three things that would have kept gwiboon from asking more questions about eunsook’s marriage & a man was one of them, though rarely had one kept her so occupied, so distracted.  even now she had been late to the cafe & was still laughing on the phone as she struggled with the door.

now they sit on opposite sides of a worn wooden table with mismatched mugs of opposing temperatures & eunsook basks in her secret & gwiboon’s excitement.

“we met at a house-building project our churches are working on together.”

“a good christian boy,” eunsook says with a raised eyebrow.

“catholic even.”  mutual chuckles as gwiboon taps the table & eunsook takes a chilly sip.  “it’s only been a few weeks but they’ve been...”  dreamy eyes drift away from eunsook & her own roll as she waits for her cousin to remember they’re still together.  it’s a few moments & laughter bubbles up when gwiboon’s expression suddenly shifts & her cheeks blush as she glances back at eunsook.  “really nice.  he’s a widower & he runs a dance studio he used to own with his husband.  he’s got a little boy who’s-”  a wave of a hand & a few quick swallows has eunsook catching her breath.

“husband?”  gwiboon’s eyes narrow slightly & eunsook’s a little surprised at how defensive her cousin’s “yes.” is. 

“oh.  ok.  a little boy who’s...”

“he’s seventeen months.  haven’t met him yet but i’ve seen his picture.  he looks like his dad.”  she leans down to take a sip, looking back up before her lips reach the rim of her cup.  “his other dad.”

“ah.”

“his name is taemin & he’s 23.”

“cradle robber!”

“minho’s younger than you!”

“yeah but he-” eunsook catches herself & her cheeks burn at gwiboon’s salacious smile. 

“he what?”

“no idea.  tell me more about your taemin.”  gwiboon snorts & takes a sip, glancing at the chalkboard menu over the till before looking back.

“not my taemin yet.  sort of hope to be his gwiboon though.”

“sap.”

“hmm.  anyway, he’s ridiculously clumsy.  just...i have never met another human being ever who manages to lose their possessions as frequently he does.  & so awkward.  when we met he was so quiet & he kept fumbling with the paint.  but once he got a hang of it he was unstoppable.  the focus he has.  we got to talking because we were the only ones not drinking the coffee.  he made some lame joke about the smell of stale coffee & laughed when i told him his joke was lame.  so...  afterwards we went out for some good coffee & just talked for about three hours.  that was about six weeks ago.”

“six weeks?!”

“i know, i know.”  eunsook watches amused as gwiboon blushes into her drink.  “so tell me, how’s married life?”  there’s a cinch in eunsook’s chest, a little twinge to remind her that the truth requires discretion because the totality of it is too complicated for a friendly cup of coffee on a sunday afternoon.  & she’s not ready to reveal it if she doesn’t have to.

“good.”

“good?”  it’s eunsook’s turn to raise an eyebrow & smile lasciviously.

“so good.”


	3. then comes taeyeon...

eunsook lays on her side facing the open bedroom door with a hot water bottle pressed to her lower abdomen & her head resting in the crook of her elbow.  the sound of the front door shutting & “sook!” being called has her sighing with relief.

“up here!”

minho’s footsteps echo dully, growing louder until he reaches the landing, smiling as he steps into her doorway, leaning against the jam. 

“hey.”

“hey.”

“you ok?” he asks, eyeing the bottle.

“how much do you know about female anatomy?”

“you tell me,” he replies, eyebrows waggling.

“i just need to know how you’ll react to me telling you that blood is pouring out of my vagina & that my uterine muscles are contracting in preparation of delivering a fetus that has not yet been implanted within its walls.”  a little satisfied smirk plays on her lips at the way the smile on his face freezes & his eyes slightly widen.

“that was very specific.”

“i am very much in pain.”

“what do you need?”  she sighs, groaning.

“a quick coma.  thirty-six hours, tops.”

“counter proposal.  hot chocolate?”

“iced mocha.”  he nods & heads towards the stairs, turning quickly on his heels & bracing himself in the doorway.

“the last time i looked for the coffee i couldn’t find it.”

“i moved everything down a shelf so mrs. song could reach it without a stool.  just look in the cupboard under the counter.”  he pauses, watching her.

“that was really nice of you.”  a shoulder shrugs, her eyes already falling closed as his footsteps disappear back down the stairs.

~

“here.”  a large box is presented to minho & he takes it with a half-smile, already excited to find out what’s inside.

“what’s this?”

“just a little birthday present.  something to wear to dinner tonight to show your dad that your wife cares.”

“so no gift just for me?”

“maybe.  if you’re a good birthday boy.”  he laughs as she pats him playfully on the bum, her hand lingering at his hip.

“so what is it?”  the box pops open beneath his fingers revealing a thick scarf, dark red & hand knit, with his initials at one end in ivory lettering.  “wow.”

“you seemed to have a thing for scarves & i have a thing for knitting so...”  a quick shrug & a pat to his hip as she steps back.  “i hope it’s ok.”

“it’s great,” is his muffled response as his face disappears beneath its wooly folds.  “so soft.”

“so how many scarves do you own now?”

“this would make seven.” 

“lucky number seven,” she murmurs.

~

minho’s hunched over a pile of paperwork when the door to his office opens & closes & the cool scent of gwiboon’s perfume floats across the room.  out of the corner of his eye he sees her dark pink form take a seat in the chair across from his & he fights the urge to smile when he realizes why she’s there.  they hadn’t spoken much since the reception, their interactions previously limited to parties thrown by others, though for a time she had dated his friend jonghyun & since then they’d been friendly.  living with eunsook meant hearing about gwiboon & it’s no surprise when she stops by his office unannounced with a question.

“what are you getting eunsook for her birthday?”  minho looks up, stifling a grin as his wide, worried eyes are met with the narrowing of gwiboon’s into a heavy frown.  “don’t tell me you forgot her birthday.”

“ok.”

“choi!”

“just let me think.”

“please tell me you at least know what day it is.”

“...the 12th?”

“are you serious?”  unable to hold back any longer, his eyes close in laughter at her indignation, grateful that he’d put it in his calendar when eunsook had agreed to his proposal: december is always a busy month.

“of course not.  it’s the 14th.  i’m making her dinner & taking her to a musical.”

“you’re cooking?”

“yes.”

“why?”  he shrugs.

“to surprise her.”

“that’s...oddly sweet.”

“as long as i don’t burn the food.”

“you’re so obsessed with detail that the only way the food will burn is if you pass out at some point while it cooks & can’t turn the heat off due to your unconscious state.”

“that’s a calming thought.”

“it was supposed to be inspirational.”

~

eunsook gushes over the performance on their ride home (“kibum kim is so fantastic!  how does someone even manage to exude raw sex appeal & then dimple down the next minute & make you want to give them a lollipop & pinch their cheek?!”) while minho listens with a smile from behind the wheel.  his third, fourth, & fifth gifts for her birthday later that night has them in his bed groaning in the dark, heavy moans & quiet gasps & eunsook’s desperate cries echoing through the room.  they lie now, sweaty & sated, feet poking out of the sheets.  eunsook’s head is on his chest, a hand pressed to his abdomen & his arm rests around her shoulder.

 “what should we get your father for christmas?” she asks, a bare foot rubbing up & down his shin.

“i already got him a gift.”  she looks up, surprised.

“really?  what?”

“a daughter-in-law.”  his arm is slapped & her body vibrates against him as she laughs.

“shut up.”

“i’m serious,” he replies, kissing her forehead.  “i even got him the one he’s been begging for for years.”  her smile falters a little & he wonders what he’s said wrong.

“yeah i guess getting his son to settle could be mine.”  the statement lays flat between them for a moment before eunsook’s smile brightens again.  “i was thinking a tie as a gag gift & maybe a nice bottle of wine for his collection.”

“yeah, that could be nice.  by the way, my family’s coming for christmas this year.”  the foot on his leg stills & she turns away, leaning into him.

“oh?”

“they want to meet my ‘blushing bride’.”

“oh.”  the tone of her voice is not enthusiastic.  another kiss to her forehead.

“just my cousin taeyeon, her husband jinki, & their three kids.  our grandmother will be coming down as well.”

“ok.”  eunsook takes a deep, shaky breath.

“you ok?”

“somehow i didn’t think meeting family was going to be a part of this.”

“it’s a surprise to me too.  they don’t usually come here.”

“no,” she murmurs, “you usually go to them.”  minho is about to ask how she knows when he remembers how many years she has stood in the background & he just hadn’t noticed anything beyond his father’s smile.

“you don’t have to meet them.  you could go to gwiboon’s & spend the holiday with her.  or you could stay here & have the place to yourself.”

“no, it’s fine.  i’d like to meet them.  besides, gwiboon is spending christmas with taemin.  his son is spending the day with his grandparents.”

“that’s nice that they help him out.”

“he wants them to be as involved in his son’s life as much as possible.  his own parents aren’t in the country & jongin’s parents are like his own.  they all kind of share this miracle that is a piece of jongin left behind.”  he reaches out & tucks a tuft of hair behind her ear, finger stroking her naked shoulder.  “anyway,” she continues, smiling up at him, “it’ll be nice to meet your family.”

~

eunsook stares at her reflection in the mirror while minho sleeps down the hall.  more than a week has passed since the last time she spent the night in her own bed & even longer since she last thought of junghee.  guilt & uncertainty gnaw at her because posing as a wife among acquaintances was one thing but to present herself as the wife of someone’s cousin, someone’s grandson was another.  the counter is cold beneath her fingers & she looks down at them, at the ring she wears daily.  it didn’t matter, not really, not when the man she loves heart will break when she & his son will separate in less than two years.

a quick swallow & her eyes are back on the glass, searching for answers in a face that barely understands the question.  the motive that brought her here is no longer what keeps her & there’s a hint of selfishness in the steps she now takes.  another swallow & then the tap is turned, warm water running over her hands as she washes away the uncertainties & dries the doubt off her fingers.

~

mr. cho happily receives the socks she’s made for him & his wife & mrs. song hugs her tightly in thanks for the afghan knitted just for her.

~

eunsook is on the deck in her shawl & a pair of boots when minho pulls into the drive.  two little boys, 4 & 3, pop out of the back & a slim woman with a passing resemblance to eunsook’s husband steps out, laughing at something her cousin is also laughing at.  the children run toward the house, stopping with wide eyes when they see her standing at the top of the steps, turning & running back to their mother when their names are called. 

minho pulls out a pair of knapsacks that each child is strapped in & taeyeon emerges from the back of the car with a baby in her arms, bundled up tight against the cold.  the ground is dry today, though three days ago a light dusting of snow briefly turned the earthy soil a soft white, & eunsook is glad that it means the boys will be allowed to run around outside since their home isn’t adequately prepared for small children.  not like when she & minho were little.

they’re told to say hello & she kneels down to shake their hands, standing again for a kiss from minho before he ushers his nephews inside.  taeyeon’s smile is brilliant & her one-armed hug a balm against the chill before they head in to the warmth of eunsook’s home.

a pot of hot chocolate has been simmering on the stove ever since minho texted that he was on his way to the house with his family.  they’re not going to stay with them, they’ll be staying with minho’s father, taeyeon’s uncle, at the family home where there are many rooms to explore & toys left over from his only child’s youth.  but taeyeon had insisted on visiting the two of them at their home & they had easily agreed. 

minho & the boys sit at the table in the kitchen sipping their hot drinks while taeyeon & eunsook stand in the hallway talking, the little baby in taeyeon’s arms blinking awake.  taeyeon offers the baby to eunsook & she takes him tentatively in her arms, the warmth of his body & the scent of his hair reminiscent of things she’d forgotten & the tears that sting in the corners of her eyes are blinked back with a smile & a soft, “he’s beautiful.”

the sudden revelation that taeyeon remembers meeting eunsook at a time & a place that more than fifteen years later is still raw causes her to stop bouncing the baby in her arms & her vision to narrow leaving her slightly dizzy.  the white noise in her ears dissipates just in time to hear taeyeon say, “i can’t believe you married your first kiss!  that’s so cute.”  eunsook shifts the baby onto her hip, looking down as he chews on his chubby fist & kisses his head, hoping that minho didn’t hear.

“what are you talking about?”  the sound of minho’s voice behind her startles her & her eyes widen enough for taeyeon to look slightly concerned.

“you married your first kiss!  that’s so sweet.”

“no,” he laughs, leaning against the doorframe.  “my first kiss was with key.  remember?”

“yeah, exactly.”

“then why did you say it was eunsook?”  taeyeon scoffs, her smile faltering slightly when her eyes fall on eunsook who’s staring now at the baby in her arms.

“because you said it was.”

“tae what are you-?”  he stops, his own eyes widening as he looks over at eunsook who still hasn’t moved, is still not looking at either of them.

“sook.  sookie.  key.”  a sad little smile appears on her lips as she looks up at him, surprising him with a guilty look.

“you forgot,” she says with a shrug.

“no, i remember everything about that march morning.  you were eleven & i was nine & it was behind the tree at the edge of the schoolyard.  you were crying & i was trying to make you happy.”  everything about that day is seared in his mind.  the crisp autumn air & the way the ground was slightly damp from a thunderstorm the night before.  they were in uniforms & her hair was long even then, held back with a thin headband.  tears were slipping down her cheeks tinged pink in the chill & he hadn’t meant to find her but he had.  it was a chaste kiss, just a little pressing of their lips together because that’s what he’d seen happy people do in the few films his father allowed him to watch & he wanted her to be happy again.  he wanted to be the one to make her smile.  he just...  “i just didn’t realize it was you.”

“yes.  you forgot.”  it is quiet for a long time before the baby’s giggles pulls their eyes away from each other, both glancing down at the little boy who’s reaching for his mother.

“well,” says taeyeon awkwardly as she takes her son from eunsook’s arms, “it’s nice to see you found each other again.  i’m just going to go check on the boys & then you can tell me all about the wedding.”  she slips past the two into the kitchen that is not nearly far enough away.  eunsook’s halfway up the stairs with minho soon to follow & he stops her bedroom door from shutting in his face.  he takes a step toward her & she takes a step back & they both stand with their arms held tight against their chests.

“why didn’t you say anything?”

“when should i have brought it up?”

“i don’t know.  it just seems like something to mention.”

“’thanks for asking me to be your pretend wife & oh by the way i was the first girl you kissed’?”, she asks incredulously.  her eyes glance to the window & he barely hears her mutter “it’s humiliating enough that you forgot.”

“i didn’t forget. i-”  angry eyes shift back to him & he feels the ache of failure as she bites out, “no.  you just forgot it was me.”

“i’m sorry.”  it is hollow but it isn’t nothing & she shrugs, looking down at her feet & twisting her toe against the rug.  he wants to make a joke, tell her that he remembers that she is the last girl he kissed, but it doesn’t feel like the time & then taeyeon is timidly calling to them from downstairs so he bites the thought back.  the back of eunsook’s finger brushes at her eyes as she moves past him & he follows her back down the stairs.

“so,” taeyeon starts, glancing between the two of them, “can i help with lunch?”  minho watches eunsook’s lips purse into a smile as she puts a hand to taeyeon’s elbow & guides her into the kitchen.

“you can help by telling me about your husband & your kids while i make it.”  taeyeon’s eyes light up at the mention of jinki & he nods when his cousin asks him to keep an eye on her boys.  the women walk into the kitchen as the boys walk out the front door & minho leads them across the deck where they run out to play in the dirt.

“uncle minho!”, the older one cries, “come play with us!”  he smiles as he moves down the steps to where they sit in the dirt with little race cars they’ve pulled from their coat pockets.

“your dirt is weird,” the oldest says, patting the brown earth.  “why is it so dark?”  minho laughs & ruffles the child’s hair & does his best to explain how soil all over the planet is different for different reasons.  three & a half sentences in he realizes that he’s lost the child’s attention & it would be better to just join in on the imaginary turnpike fun.

~

“he’s so good with those boys,” taeyeon says from her spot at the table.  eunsook had glanced out the window & forgot herself while watching her husband play on the ground with the children.

“yeah,” she replies, her voice soft & she realizes that she has been watching too long.  a smile brightens her face as she wipes her hands on minho’s apron, turning back to the stove.  “yes, i see that.”

“have you talked about having kids?”

“not really.”  a lie aimed at the stew warming on the stove.  though never directly addressed, a distinct part of their arrangement implied that there would be no children. 

“hmm.”  taeyeon takes a sip of her tea & changes the subject.

~

as they get ready to leave later that evening, taeyeon suddenly clings to minho’s arm with bright eyes, begging to pick their destination for the dinner planned that weekend. 

“i love my children but i really want an adult meal,” she whispers.  “please, please, please let me choose.”  minho has no heart to deny the youngest of the group the treat & eunsook watches amused as he ruffles his cousin’s hair & asks where she’d like to go.  their reservations are cancelled & a bbq restaurant near the edge of town becomes their new destination. 

it’s taeyeon’s idea to invite gwiboon to their “cousin cuisine”, a term that had minho groaning while eunsook laughed, & gwiboon eagerly accepts the invitation & tentatively asks if she can bring a date.  eunsook is eager to meet taemin, though perhaps not in a setting where half the entourage are strangers to each other, & she quickly agrees. 

taeyeon & her husband are the first to arrive & when she first meets him eunsook is surprised by how young jinki looks.  though older than taeyeon, four years if she remembers right, her age, she would swear there wasn’t more than a year between them.  they shake gloved hands & eunsook watches with a warm chest as taeyeon absently rests her head on her husband’s shoulder while he & minho catch up on the chilly sidewalk.  gwiboon & taemin soon arrive in a cab, he stepping out first & reaching his hand in the doorway to help gwiboon out.  they’re laughing & holding hands when they join the crowd, more gloves meeting in salutation, & soon they’re seated at a table in the back with eunsook at one end with minho beside her.  jinki is at the other end with taeyeon between him & minho, taemin on his other side sitting beside gwiboon. 

they’ve ordered & the others are deep in conversation while eunsook quietly sips on her tea.  gwiboon is cooing over the pictures on taeyeon’s phone while taeyeon leans forward with her chin on laced fingers smiling proudly.  taemin had easily joined jinki in a conversation eunsook can’t hear but that minho seems to understand, the three bursting into fits of laughter & their hands punching the air in silent descriptions.

it is a happy reunion of cousins who don’t get to see each other often & of their partners who are meeting for the first time.  eunsook finds herself subconsciously slipping her arm through minho’s & resting her head on his shoulder as she watches the others.  gwiboon & taemin keep feeding each other little bites & jinki & taeyeon often whisper in each other’s ears.  his arm is around her chair & she has her hand on his thigh, leaning in to her husband.  eunsook thinks it’s nice being surrounded by so many people in love. 

the food is messy & delicious & minho successfully fights jinki over the bill, tipping well above 25% because he knows they were not quiet (& because his father raised him right).  they burst back out into the frosty air laughing, wandering around a bit beneath the glittering lampposts because taeyeon wants to. 

“our city is bigger than the town i grew up in but it’s still nowhere as big as this,” she says smiling up at the lights twinkling above.  they convince her to head back to minho’s father’s home after she nearly slips on a patch of ice on the sidewalk.  jinki catches her easily & they both laugh.

~

“my grandfather died about five years ago & minjung hasn’t been the same since,” minho says as he pulls his shirt over his head.  eunsook watches from the bed in her nightshirt with her head propped in her hand.  “she was a lot like my father then, studious & steady.  she’s always been really friendly like she is now, just tempered.”  he moves toward the doorway & turns off the overhead light.  “but then my grandfather died & it was like she just absorbed all his energy & became this new person.”  the sheets crinkle & there’s a burst of cool air as he slips beneath the covers, his own head propped up while their empty hands meet in the middle, fingers tapping.  “it’s funny.  if you’d met them you’d almost think they hated each other the way they bickered.  they would fight over the oddest things, hollering at each other & such.  but even in the middle of their quarrels you could see this glint in their eyes.  & then they’d just burst out laughing.  i don’t know if it was always like that with them, but that’s how it always was when i was around.  just.  best friends, you know?”

eunsook nods, watching their fingertips meet.  her parents had been like that, without the bickering.  a lot of teasing & silly remarks but she couldn’t remember them ever actually fighting.  of course, she was young then.

“now she’s all eccentric.”  eunsook gives him a little smile & taps his nose.

“she sounds fun.”

“hmm,” is the only reply she gets before he turns around & the lamp beside his pillow turns off.  he turns back & gives her a quick kiss, stretching out his arm as she snuggles in.

“you’re so warm.”  fingers tussle through her hair as he laughs.  a kiss to the top of her head & then they’re both falling asleep. 

~

minho’s grandmother is everything he had said she was & more.  nearly as tall as her grandson, she towers over eunsook in two inch heels that are anything but sensible.  a floral wrap dress hangs just below her knees & sapphires glitter in her ears

“well, where is she?”  eunsook feels minho stiffen beside her & she bites her lip in a mix of amusement & nerves.

“my wife is standing next to me.”

“if i’d been invited to the wedding i might know my own granddaughter-in-law by sight now wouldn’t i?”  eunsook keeps quiet, releasing her lip & brushing her fingers against minho’s.

“you were sent pictures.”

“but not an invitation.” 

“you could have come to meet her any time before or after the wedding.”

“if only i’d been invited.”

 “grandmother...”

“minjung.  i’ve told you a thousand times to call me minjung.”  a pointed look is sent towards minho &, to eunsook’s surprise, he turns his head away.  minjung is smiling knowingly when eunsook glances back & she does her best to smile under her grandmother-in-law’s piercing gaze.

“yes, my dear, it can be a bit befuddling at first.  i’m minho’s grandmother, mother to his beloved mother & mother-in-law to his dear father.  the old coot.”  eunsook’s eyes widen in surprise as minho huffs & glowers, the warmth of his fingers disappearing from eunsook’s as his arms cross tightly across his chest.  she reaches out quickly to receive the hand minjung proffers. 

“& i prefer to be called minjung.”.

“it’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“we’ve met, dear.  many years ago though i don’t expect you to remember.”  her face softens, mouth opening & closing, a warm smile blooming on her lips & her voice is wistful when she says, “little lee sookie.”  the air in eunsook’s lungs grows hot & minho’s fingers are back against hers, their knuckles loosely linked.  tears burn but she blinks them back & smiles at the name she’s not been called in years.

“yes.”

“i remember you as a child.  a precocious little thing with your nose always in a book.  i suppose you became a librarian?”

“no, though i used to own a bookstore.”  she can feel minho’s eyes on her & her cheeks flush knowing that he didn’t know that the store she had worked at was actually hers.

“used to?”

“i sold it.”

“when?”  she hesitates, not wanting either of them to know.

“when i got married.”  minjung’s eyes narrow & minho shifts & eunsook’s cheeks burn.

“what on earth for?”

“i..” she glances at minho who is watching her confused.

“would you have sold it if you hadn’t gotten married?”

“yes,” is her honest reply.  “perhaps not so soon but i had been planning on doing so within the year.

“why?”

“sunyoung was always better at customer relations than i am & i think i put off as many customers as i drew in.  it’s a hard business to be in these days, so many people download their books, myself included.  & so you really have to be able to sell your product to make a profit & as much as i love books i’m not really great at sales.”  the answer ends with a shrug & a shy smile. 

“hmm.”  minjung squints at her & she holds steady under the older woman’s gaze.  if minjung remembers her as a child then she might already know that eunsook didn’t marry minho for his money.  if not, she hopes that she’s just dispelled her of any doubt. 

“come,” minjung says, taking eunsook by the arm & away from minho, “we should eat.  then you can tell me all about why an intelligent woman such as yourself settled for my grandson.”

~

minho is still catching his breath when eunsook kisses his chest & asks, “do you want to go ice skating?”  he shifts on the mattress with a silly grin & eunsook grabs the blanket that begins to slip at his movement, closing her eyes as he pushes the mussy hair out of the way to kiss her sweaty forehead.

“right now?”

“well, no.  it’s midnight on a thursday.  i was thinking this weekend.”

“just us?” 

“we could double date.  maybe jinki & taeyeon would like to come.”

“they’d want to bring their kids.”

“maybe.  if they want to bring them along that’s fine with me.”

“what if i want to go just with you?”  giggling, she reaches up with one arm & pulls his head down, kissing him on the nose.

“that would be alright too.”  they’re both smiling into each other’s mouths when he moves over her, fingers slipping beneath the sheets as her legs spread & it’s another hour before they finally fall asleep.

~

eunsook is surprised to find herself in a catholic church at midnight on christmas eve.  in all the years she had known the chois she had not known either of them to step foot into a christian house of worship.  yet here she stands next to minho with a hymnal in her hand all because taeyeon had insisted on attending mass.

it is absolutely breathtaking the way the candles flicker throughout the nave.  poinsettias dot the sanctuary, a dozen placed around the edge of the marble altar.  stained glass windows shaded by the night sky rise to meet the high ceiling decorated with streaks of gold.  nooks on either side hold wooden pews high above sitting perpendicular to where eunsook stands with minho, jinki, & taeyeon below.  she mumbles through the hymn being sung, vaguely familiar with the christmas song, more interested in the design of the building than the ritual of the mass.

as she always does in any religious setting she wonders what it is like to have faith.  what is it that others find so appealing in religion, what do they see that she can’t find no matter how deep she delves into the scriptures of every kind?  even gwiboon finds solace in her own pastor’s sermons & she is one of the most cynical people eunsook knows.  so what does she see, what does she hear, what does she know that eunsook doesn't?

she misses her mom in these moments.  she wishes they’d had a chance to talk about these things so that she could have gleaned from her some wisdom on the subject.

the thoughts make her sad so she pushes them away & focuses on the statues that stand at either side of the priest in his white robe & ivory vestments.  they’re easily recognized as mary & joseph & she is surprised to see mary alone & joseph with a small child in his arms appearing to play with some sort of sphere.  too far away to make out what it might be, her first thought is that it was perhaps a soccer ball (a thought that causes her to smile inappropriately during “o holy night”).  even standing on her toes & squinting through her glasses does nothing except to get an odd look from minho.  she shrugs her shoulders with a little smile & turns back to the song book.

it is a beautiful, albeit disorienting service.  standing & sitting & then the echo of kneelers dropping to the tiled floor.  taeyeon looks so at peace the entire service.  jinki follows her down the aisle where she accepts the eucharist with a smile & he crosses his arms over his chest to receive the priest’s blessing.

~

eunsook grips the paper blowout in her fingers & looks at minho, suddenly nervous.  it’s silly but she feels it anyhow.  they haven’t been married long, less than five months but they are already nearly a quarter through their marriage.  on the one hand it is comforting to know when, not if, their relationship will end.  but on the other it is sort of heart-breaking to think that everything they do now will be meaningless & torn down purposefully by their own hands.  & to stand here now in a crowd of people celebrating the death of a year & the birth of another seems odd: every day is a step toward the end & she finds it hard to be excited at the turn of the calendar. 

minho is quiet next to her, contemplative, & they keep missing each other’s eyes.  suddenly gwiboon is shouting “10!  9!  8!” from across the room & eunsook looks up at her husband with a smile before blowing the rolled up paper in his face.  it is bittersweet when their lips meet & the new year is toasted with a kiss.  they are hardly in love but it feels like they have been friends for ages & she likes the twist her life has taken.  she likes her life with minho.  they pull away with little grins & he takes her hand in his own, his palm warm, & she squeezes tight knowing that she will miss this when it ends.


	4. eunsook & minho

minho eyes her warily when she comes down the stairs dressed in an oversized gray sweater, tight dark jeans tucked into boots, small silver hoops at her ears, & a side braid that sits over her right shoulder; contacts instead of glasses.  he himself is in dark jeans, heavy boots, & a suede hunting jacket, neck wrapped in the scarf she’d gifted him for his birthday.  the invitation to join him for his annual new year’s day outing with his friends at the range had been eagerly accepted though now he wonders at the attire she’s chosen.

“are you sure that’s what you want to wear?” he asks, brows furrowed in concern.  looking down she flushes, suddenly self-conscious at the effort.

“why?  what’s wrong with it?”

“it just seems really nice for the range.”  looking back up, the bright smile that has begun to make his heart flutter beams across her lips.

“are you saying i look nice?”

“i’m saying your clothes look nice.”

“ah but would they look so nice if they were on the floor?”

“better.”  her eyes widen & her lips purse into a bemused smile.

“are you flirting with me?”  he takes a step forward & wraps his arms around her, rocking them gently back & forth.

“maybe.”

“well,” she says, leaning up to peck at his lips, “let’s just see how well you do today & maybe there will be a reward for you when we get back.”  her palm smacks at his backside as she pulls away & he laughs, arms dropping to his sides.

“why don’t we just skip it & i can have my reward now?”  another laugh & her palm is soft when it pats his cheek.  he helps her slip on her own coat & watches as she wraps her red scarf around her neck, matching mittens over her fingers. 

“patience will get you everything.”  she winks as she steps outside & he has to think about ostriches for 73 seconds before he can get his feet to follow her.

~

it’s overcast when they pull into the range’s parking lot.  all the familiar cars are there but a much smaller group of people is huddled at their station than they had anticipated.  the air is sharp when they step out and, to minho’s chagrin as he takes eunsook’s mittened hand, the group is decidedly all male.  jonghyun is the first to greet them, junmyeon soon to follow.  changmin waves from where they are sighting their rifle & kyuhyun lifts his hand in salutation from a bench.

“are the women coming later?  or...”  jonghyun’s face falls & he looks absolutely mortified.

“jieun didn’t call you?”  eunsook shakes her head, glancing at minho.  “damn.  they decided they’d rather go to the theatre than spend the morning, & i quote, “freezing with firearms”.  he lifts his fingers in quotations.  “it was kind of last minute but i was sure they’d called you.”

“no.”, eunsook shrugs, a grin plastered on her face.  “maybe they didn’t have my number.”  minho catches the obvious fault in the logic, that they would at least have jonghyun’s who would have had minho’s who would have had eunsook’s.  but he lets it slide because he can see that jonghyun has caught it as well & it is all too awkward to address now that they’ve arrived.

“have fun,” eunsook says, turning to kiss minho on the cheek.  “i’ll just call an uber & get a ride to gwiboon’s.”  they both know that her cousin won’t be there but jonghyun doesn’t.  her back is to them when she hears jonghyun call her name.

“hey, you don’t have to go!  come join us.  unless you’re uncomfortable around firearms.”  he looks so innocent as he speaks that she decides it isn’t a backhanded statement.

“very comfortable.  my mother taught me to shoot before i could read.”

“really?”  jonghyun’s eyes open comically wide.

“not real bullets, or anything.  that came later.  but yeah, ‘aim & shoot & never point a weapon at anything you didn’t plan on shooting’ all before kindergarten.”

“then come join us!  it’ll be fun to have someone new in the group.”  a quick glance at minho & a little smile as he shrugs his shoulders & grins.

“if you want to stay, stay.  i kind of want to see what sort of marksman my wife is.”  a soft snort as she blushes.

“all right.  if the other guys don’t object i’ll stay.”

the other guys do object, but only after she begins beating them so badly that if they had placed the bets changmin had suggested they would all owe her quite a bit of money now.  luckily for them, she hasn’t taken the bet.  unluckily for them, minho secretly has.  they laugh at her mittens & then laugh again when she pulls the tops off revealing fingerless gloves.  minho watches with pride as she braces the butt of the rifle on the opposite shoulder of where her braid lies & hits the center target round after round.

the weather is still brisk when they finish, though the sun has finally come out, glistening off the snow & ice & burning their eyes.  they enter the lodge & begin taking off their gloves & scarves, hanging up their coats.  a buffet line of eggs, breakfast meats, & pancakes warms under hot lights & the others sit down to order coffee while eunsook, minho, & jonghyun begin fixing their plates.  eunsook’s hands are at minho’s hips & her laughter falls gently in his ear.  as he leans back to tease her he catches jonghyun watching them, turning quickly away & concentrating on piling his plate with a blueberry pancake.  the pause is caught by eunsook who shakes his hips & tells him to hurry, that’s she’s getting hungry & he shakes off the sudden burn in his chest to laugh & grab a sausage link with metal tongs.

the plate is taken from his hands before he can lead her to the table & his cheek is warmed with a soft kiss & a smile, the sound of his friends hooping & hollering & teasing him as she passes them all with a little wave & heads toward a booth in the back.  he watches as she pulls her phone out of her pocket & turns it on, scrolling through the kindle selection & beginning to take small bites with one hand as she slowly swipes the screen with the other.

“why doesn’t she sit with us?” changmin asks as they passes minho on their way to the food.

 “she was invited from the start, there’s no reason for her to sit so far away,” junmyeon adds as he glances back at eunsook.

jonghyun drops his plate on their table & walks to the back where eunsook sits, tapping on her table & leaning against it as they speak too quietly for minho to hear.  he watches as eunsook smiles & then laughs at whatever jonghyun is saying.  her hand waves in denial & he nods & taps her table again before coming back to the group.

“what did she say?” minho asks stiffly.

“she felt a little bad about crashing our ‘guy time’.  she just wants to read her book & not be distracted by us & any ‘blue language’ we felt like using.  you’re a lucky man, minho.  eunsook is awesome.”  the other three nod, coming up behind minho & climbing into the booth.  they continue their conversation while minho watches his wife take a bite with her eyes on her phone, knowing that jonghyun is right.  a quick smack to his leg from where changmin sits on the vinyl bench has him laughing & punching them back before fixing his own plate, glancing one last time at eunsook before he goes, & not missing the way jonghyun is looking at his wife.

~

eunsook begins vomiting almost as soon as they get home & still hasn’t stopped by the next morning.  mrs. song gives minho a look that he belatedly realizes is knowing & he sighs at the obvious conclusion she has erroneously drawn, heading back up the stairs with a plate of crackers & a bowl of chicken broth.  the glass of water he’s left beside her bed is only half drunk & she lays shivering & sweaty in her bed, the cover tucked up under her chin. 

at first they thought it was food poisoning.  then she began to run a fever that still hasn’t broken though it hasn’t risen quite high enough to take her to a hospital so he is tending to her with the usual treatments.  she isn’t getting better but she isn’t getting worse, though the last part is of little comfort as she bursts out of her bed again on unsteady feet, grasping at walls as she moves past the bucket he’s brought for her to the bathroom & the sounds of her retching echoes in the hall through the open door. 

he follows & pushes her sweaty hair back from her face, most of the strands caught in a sloppy bun that has become tangled in the days she’s spent ill.  the shirt she wears is his & two sizes two large, the flannel pants beneath equally oversized.  a washcloth is pulled from a cupboard & run under a cold stream from the faucet & he pats her forehead gently before placing it into her shaky hand.  tears glisten at the corners of her eyes & her breaths are ragged as he rubs her back & kisses the top of her head, ignoring the stench permeating the air. 

“you want me to help you back to bed?”  shivering, she shakes her head, leaning against the wall. 

“let me go get you something warm, ok?”  she nods from where she kneels on the floor, fingers gripping her arms as her body shakes.  his fingers brush across her forehead as he stands & leaves the bathroom, turning towards his own room to grab a hoodie from his dresser.  an old black hoodie is in hand & he’s halfway across the room when two dull thumps followed by silence catches his attention.

“sook?” he calls, pausing in the quiet.  no reply has his heart dropping & his feet sprinting out of his room & through the bathroom door, eyes widening & a panicked “no, no, no,” when he finds her sprawled unconscious on the floor.  the hoodie falls to the floor as he drops to his knees beside her head & he tries to wake her, checking for both a pulse & a breath, relieved to find both, & pressing her shoulder gently saying, “sook, wake up.”  no response & he’s pulling her into his arms & running down the stairs, stopping only long enough to grab his keys & stomp into a pair of shoes.  he lays her in the passenger seat, tilting it all the way back, & buckling her in, halfway to the driver side when he remembers his wallet & dashes back through the door to grab it from his jacket pocket.  then he’s jumping into the driver’s seat, peeling out of the drive, gravel flying in his wake.

the thirty-minute drive to the hospital takes thirteen minutes.

the next four hours are a blur.

minho hasn’t spent much time in hospitals, none really, & as such hasn’t formed an opinion on them.  he knows most people dislike them but he hasn’t had enough experience to determine whether he will or won’t.  pacing at the foot of eunsook’s bed where she lays asleep with an iv snaking out of her arm & the constant beep of a heart monitor echoing in the sterile room, he decides that if they keep his wife alive he will definitely love them.

it is midnight when everything is settled enough for him to begin to think again, to move from primal mode to focused action.  he calls gwiboon first, her groggy voice echoed by another an octave deeper & he tries his best to convince her she doesn’t need to come, that he isn’t even sure what the visiting hours are.  it’s no surprise when she hangs up on him.  his father is called next with messages left on both his private & his business lines, the likelihood of the former being ignored through the night & the latter certainly checked in the morning.  the phone presses into his chin as he stares at eunsook.  his chest aches & his lungs burn: he can’t catch a full breath.  the image of her lying on the floor plays over in his mind & it’s becoming progressively difficult to not imagine the worst.  the wooden legs of one of the two plastic arm chairs in the room scrape against the linoleum as he moves it to sit beside her bed.  it’s angled so that his back is turned towards the shaded window & his eyes towards the door so that every staff member that comes to tend to his wife is met with his face.  her hand is tucked under his & he laces his fingers through her limp hand, holding her tightly as her chest rises & falls.  the beep continues to echo against the walls & he tries not to think too hard about how the thin line of plastic coming out of eunsook’s arm connects to the bag of viscous fluid hanging above them & what they both mean.

pneumonia, they’d said.  the fever he had been responsible for monitoring had reached 104 degrees & now they need to bring it down as quickly & safely as they possibly can.  he’d cursed under his breath as the nurse left with a sad smile, running his fingers through his hair, frustrated that he had let it get so bad.  they don’t know how long it will take but he’s been told to expect for her to be in hospital at least overnight.  a stiff though sincere “thank you” had been expressed before they left & he’s spent the last hour watching his wife sleep with a blanket tucked under one shoulder, the one not attached to an iv.  now he sits beside her with her palm pressed against his & waits for her to come back to him.

eunsook wakes up sore & confused, eyes heavy & brain mushy.  a swallow reveals a sore throat & there’s a burn in her arm that makes her look down.  to her surprise she finds an iv taped to the inside of her arm & a plastic clip attached to her forefinger.  she groans & shifts, body stiff from what must have been hours since the room is dark & last she remembers it was early afternoon.  the arm attached to the iv is cold but her hand is heavy & warm & her blinky gaze turns to find minho’s head resting against the back of a chair with one arm tucked around his waist & the other propped on her bed, fingers entwined with her own.  a tired smile & a squeeze of his hand followed by a hoarse whisper of his name results in no movement so she only sighs & closes her eyes again, promptly falling back asleep.

when she wakes again it is to soft voices talking at the foot & side of her bed respectively.  her hand is still warm & she smiles when she looks down & sees his hand still holding hers.  glancing over she catches minho’s empty hand flying through the air as his tempered voice says something she can’t quite understand but that he is very passionate about saying.  the voice near her feet she recognizes as gwiboon’s & shifting her gaze has her watching her cousin sit in a chair directly across from the end of her bed, arms crossed tightly at her waist as she carries on a conversation with minho.

“hey,” eunsook croaks out, startling them both.  gwiboon bolts out of her chair towards the doorway & minho turns towards her & places his empty palm over their joined hands.

“hey.  how do you feel?”

“better.”  smiling sleepily, she slips her hand out of from beneath his to ruffle his hair.  she lets it fall to the bed & tucks his fingers back within her own, closing her eyes when he leans over to kiss her forehead.  gwiboon returns then with a nurse who checks eunsook’s vitals & asks her a few questions before he disappears, reappearing a few minutes later with a doctor.  she explains to eunsook what happened, why she is in the hospital & what they are waiting on before they discharge her.

“your temperature is almost back to normal, a little fluctuation but it’s dropping at a steady rate.  we’ll keep an eye on your fluids & if things continue like this i expect we’ll be able to discharge you tomorrow morning.  until then, let’s start you on some solid food & drink & see how it goes.  any questions?”

eunsook shakes her head & the doctor leaves. 

“what time is it?” she asks, glancing at the bit of sunlight peeking through the closed blinds

“about 7.”

“in the morning?”

“yes.  wednesday, by the way.”

“what?”

“you were really sick, eunsook.” comes gwiboon’s voice from her right & she turns over to frown in confusion at her cousin.    

“shouldn’t you be at work?”

“i took a half day.”

“what about you?” she asks, turning back to minho who looks at her as though she has morphed into a mythical creature.

“you’re in the hospital, sook.”

“yes.”

“so i’m going to be in the hospital with you.” his words are spoken slowly, every syllable punctuated & she blinks lazily at him, lifting his hand to kiss his knuckles.  he presses a kiss of his own to their linked fingers & gwiboon watches them from her perch with a smile.

the first meal they bring her is a perfect duplication of what minho had brought her just before she had collapsed: crackers & broth.  this time she finishes her meager meal.  later, she works her way up to a whole potato & by dinner time she nearly finishes her chicken meal, though she lets minho have her jell-o.  they spend the day watching judge shows & game shows flickering on the screen hanging from the ceiling across the room.  they talk about the plaintiffs & contestants, eunsook periodically falling asleep.  in the evening he takes her for a slow walk around the nurse’s station & that night he falls asleep in her bed with his arm around her waist.

by morning she is feeling & doing much better.  the doctor decides to wait a little longer but it’s only an hour after lunch when eunsook signs her discharge papers wearing the sneakers, sweatpants, & t-shirt gwiboon had brought her from her own apartment: purple velour pants & grey t-shirt with “’lil freak” printed across the chest not her first choice.  thankfully the pants come with a hoodie & it’s zipped up tight beneath her chin when minho pushes her out in the obligatory wheelchair & helps her into the car gwiboon has idling in front of the main doors.

mrs. song greets them at the door when they arrive home, fluttering around eunsook & turning immediately to the kitchen to make her some soup & tea.  eunsook eyes the stairs with trepidation as minho helps her out of gwiboon’s shoes & the hoodie over her shoulders, careful when he pulls the sleeve off the arm bandaged from the iv.  she turns to him when she hears him ask “may i?” & finds him bending down & holding his arms out in a cradling motion.  a little laugh puffs through her lips as she glances up the stairs & back to him.

“do you think you can?”

“yes.”  the answer is so quick & sure she almost feels silly for asking the question.

“oh.  ok.”  moving awkwardly, she timidly puts an arm around his shoulder, not quite sure what to do with the rest of her body, squealing in surprise when he scoops her up easily, holding her in his arms like a bride on her wedding day.  her empty hand presses against his chest, fingers curling into his shirt as he slowly moves them up the stairs, watching his face as he focuses on his steps.  handsome, she thinks, & kind, & she rests her head against his shoulder.

the room is dark when he carries her to his bed, laying her down gently & sitting down beside her, playing with her fingers & asking if there’s anything he can get for her.

“a bath.”  he chuckles & asks if she wants bubbles.

the tub is filled with steaming water & rose-scented bubbles when he leads her out of the room & to the bath.  she struggles with her shirt for a moment before dropping her arms in defeat, looking over at him & asking for his help.  it frightens him to see her so defenseless, trusting him to care for her in this moment of weakness. 

he swallows & nods, pulling the shirt away from her body with one hand while he guides her arm through the sleeve with the other.  the same is repeated with her other arm & then he’s lifting the shirt up, her face disappearing for a moment as the material moves over her head, her hair trailing through the neck of the shirt before he lets it fall to the floor.  their eyes meet & she gives him a little smile before he moves his hands to her waist & begins to slowly pull her pants down, squatting to the floor as the material pools around her ankles.  he lifts each of her legs by the calf & brushes the pants to the side before standing back up & taking her hand.

eunsook has stood naked before him many times but now feels different, more intimate than all the others.  there’s no laughter, no flirting, no teasing grin; just eunsook watching him stand between her & the bath.  she’s unclothed & he is not because she is unwell & he is healthy & resting beneath hot water covered in translucent bubbles might make her feel better & it’s his job to care for her.  so he steps out of her way & holds her hand until she is settled beneath the little ripples in the bath.  her eyes close & she lets out a sigh, leaning back on the rolled towel he had placed at the edge of the tub.

“how is it?  good?”

“so good.” 

they sit there quietly, little bursts of conversation while he sits on the floor & she rests in the water.  when she begins to fall asleep, he washes her hair & scrubs her skin with a washcloth, guides her out of the bath & dries her off.  an arm is around her waist & the other beneath her own as he leads her to the bedroom she hasn’t slept in for months where he slips a pair of underwear up her legs & over her hips, followed by a pair of his sweatpants & an old t-shirt.  he’s focused on his task & she watches his movements without comment.   to her relief, he leads her away from the empty bed to his room & tucks her into the bed they’ve shared for almost three months.  her eyes drift to the window as he disappears down the stairs & she’s still looking out at the trees when he returns with the food mrs. song prepared for her balanced in his hands: a cup of tea, a bowl of chicken soup, & a turkey sandwich.  they’re placed on the table next to her as she sits up & she laughs as he tries to feed her, stealing the sandwich & taking a big bite. 

she’s chewing with a grin & he’s smiling too as he feels a little of the tension he’s carried for nearly a week melt over his shoulders at the sight. 

they’re spooned together when she falls asleep, her hands resting on his arm at her waist with his other bent beneath his head.  he kisses her shoulder & brushes his cheek against the cotton of her shirt, listening to her breaths & inhaling the scent of her hair.  he pulls her a little tighter as his eyes fall closed, holding on in case she begins to slip away again.

the morning finds her well & he’s almost convinced to leave for work when she begins pushing him out of the bed.  she lays her head in his lap while they watch the same programs they had watched the day before in the hospital.  throughout the morning & afternoon he keeps his touches warm but chaste, wrapping her in his arms & kissing her forehead, unwilling to risk more.  she’s wrapped in his arms again when they fall asleep at night.

~

seventeen days have passed since eunsook arrived back home with a bandage on her arm & every unspoken advance has been rebuffed.  he touches her but only just so & his kisses never reach her lips.  he’s treating her as though she were fragile & might break beneath his fingers when just the opposite is true.

he’s been alone in the den for an hour while she had laid upstairs staring out the window & wondering what she should do.  now she stands in the doorway in a thin nightdress with her fingers resting on the jam while a film flickers on the screen beside her.

“it’s been a while since we’ve...since...”  eunsook doesn’t even know how to finish the sentence, blushing at the implications though she is certain he understands her meaning.  minho keeps his eyes on the television screen, knowing that if he looks at her face he will lose control.

“you’ve been sick.  i didn’t want to make it worse.”  eunsook smiles a little at that, looking down at the ground & twisting her bare toes into the carpet.

“it’s been over two weeks since then.  i’m healthy now.  the doctor said so.”

“you were so sick,” he whispers & she only just hears him over the film.  he hasn’t told her how frightened he had been to see her so incredibly pale & fragile, sweating & unconscious on the bathroom floor, fast asleep in a hospital bed connected to a simple plastic bag that was the only thing keeping her alive.  he doesn’t know that she had seen him asleep on her bed, that she had heard him call her “my wife” to the doctors & nurses that intermittently entered her hospital room.  her smile fades when he doesn’t look at her & she wonders if she’s losing him. 

“i’m healthy now,” she replies, stepping before him & kneeling down, her elbows resting on his knees.  he still won’t look her in the eye, still keeps his gaze on the flickering screen.  she places her hands on his thighs, rubbing them gently before brushing her fingers over his arms, moving to his shoulders as she slowly rises.  carefully, she moves into his lap, knees on either side of his hips, blocking his view.  nimble fingers move up to his face, resting on his jaw as her lips brush against his forehead, his temples, & both cheeks.  she tilts his face up, forcing him to finally look her in the eye.

“if you want me to stop because you don’t want to go any farther let me know.  but if you want me to stop because you’re worried about me i want you to know that i’m fine.  i really am.  you don’t have to worry.”

he watches her for a moment before suddenly gripping her around the waist, devouring her lips as he holds her tight.  she leans into him, holding his face in her hands & tasting him inside her mouth, his hand at her bare thigh.  they are breathless & hot, grinding against each other as their hands map out all the places left untouched for too many days, sucking on tongues & nibbling on lips, their voices overwhelming the flickering film.

minho abruptly stands & eunsook wraps her legs around his waist, throwing her arms around his neck with her fingers slipping into his hair.  she still has his lips between hers as he moves them through the doorway & down the hall & it’s not until his foot hits the first stair that they break apart as she laughs.

“do you think you can carry me all the way up this way?”

“i think i can even sprint,” he replies mischievously, causing her to squeal & grip his neck tighter, laughing as he runs up the stairs with her in his arms.  he slows down when he reaches the doorway, only slightly out of breath & too hungry for her kisses to pay much attention to where he was going.  he hits the mattress at an odd angle & they both laugh when they fall away from each other, bouncing off to opposite ends of the bed. 

“does that count as foreplay?”  eunsook snorts as he pulls his shirt over his head & climbs over to her where she lies on her back, scooched up against the pillows.    she pulls him down by his neck & moans against his lips as he begins to tease her clitoris & strokes a few fingers deep inside.  frantic kisses are punctuated by deepening moans & her head falls back against the pillow, grabbing at him desperately as her back arches in pleasure.   

suddenly she pushes his hand away & shoves him over, climbing over his thighs & pressing in with her knees, giggling when she sees how hard he is.

“it’s been two weeks,” he says with a shrug.

“a long two weeks,” she replies with a smile as his sweatpants slip off his hips under her fingers & his cock springs up.  they’re tossed over her shoulder before she pulls her dress over her head & it joins the pile of clothes at the foot of the bed.  a condom is grabbed from the side drawer & she rolls it on, the lemon lube minho had surprised her with at christmas stroked over the thin latex.  the excess is wiped on the shirt that still sits on the bed, tossed quickly to the floor before she moves up, guides him inside her, & settles with a sigh in his lap before moving her hips, setting the pace.

warm hands slip up & down her sides, around her hips & over her ass cupping the bouncing flesh.  they move further up, massaging her breasts & thumbing at her nipples & she groans as he begins to thrust up inside her, the depth of his strokes hitting her just right. 

everything is just a little more passionate, a little more desperate than even their first time had been.  there’s a fervency between them now that hadn’t existed between them before & it leaves its marks in little bites & licks, fingers pressing into flesh & their bodies moving in tandem. 

minho grabs her by the waist & rolls them onto their sides, pulling her leg over his hip & holding it there, her other bent behind her as he thrusts into her sure & quick.  their fingers are linked & tucked just above his head, her empty hand stroking up & down his chest, intermittently pulling him close as her body rocks with his movements.  her lip is bit & his is sucked on & there are times he makes her groan so deeply that she forgets to breathe.

“oh _god_...”

“good?”, minho murmurs between breaths as her head lolls back, blunt nails scratching at his chest.

“so good,” she murmurs back, eyes still closed.  he leans forward & kisses her, their lips beginning to mingle hungrily as her hands move up around his neck & card through his hair.  they are sweaty & breathless & she wants more.

“ _behind me_ ,” she whispers.  “ _i want you behind me_.”  she breathes deeply as his lips kiss her sweaty forehead before he pulls away, rolling into a sitting position  & moving toward the edge of the bed.  she shifts onto her knees & presses her fists together, watching him over her shoulder.  a kiss brushes against her hip & up her back & then her head drops as he pushes in, moving his hands up & down her sides, cupping her breasts & holding her tight.  hot breaths blow against her neck & his lips slip across her shoulders as her breath begins to hitch.  whispered encouragements blow against her ear & she turns to grasp his face in her hand, kissing him even as her cries grow louder.  the empty fist pounds into the mattress & then she’s falling forward & falling silent, only minho’s grunts breaking through the quiet until a moan rips through her throat, her body shaking as she cums.  soon minho’s following her & he kisses down her spine before he pulls out.   

the condom is discarded & he jumps eagerly beneath the sheets to join her & wrap her damp body up in his arms, pushing on the soles of her feet with his own.  she kisses his bicep & holds onto his arm with both hands as she leans against his sweaty chest & sighs. 

~

“so is going to the range something you’d like to do more often?”  eunsook lowers the tablet to her lap & looks up.

“not really.  i mean, if you want to go i’ll go with you but i prefer using my own targets.”

“hunting?”  she thinks for a moment before answering.

“it’s a lot of work if i don’t actually need the meat.  but if you want to go i’ll go with you.”

“actually i was just asking in case you wanted to go.  not really my thing.”

“hmm.”  eunsook goes back to her book & minho fumbles around for something else to talk about.

“we should do something, though.  just you & me.”

“like what?” she asks without looking up.

“what kinds of things do you like?”  the tablet falls to her lap & her lips purse in thought.

“massages.”

“massages?”

“yes.”

“ok...”  his eyes narrow at her mischievous smile.

“do you think you could handle a spa retreat?”  the thought repels him & it shows as he begins sputtering.  his cheeks burn when she starts laughing.

“i’m kidding.  that’s more gwiboon’s thing.  i just go in for a massage once in a while.” 

“ok.”

“really?”

“yeah, why not?  we could make a day of it.  maybe catch a movie after.”

“ok.”

“you sound surprised.”

“i honestly didn’t think you’d agree to having a stranger’s hands rubbing oil all over your body.”

“yeah, well.  i’m a man of many surprises.”  he leans over & kisses her on the head before heading out.  the tablet is back in her hands & she’s three sentences in when his head pops back in, brows furrowed. 

“we’ll be in the same room, right?  a couple’s massage?”  she nods & laughs as his face softens in relief

it is almost embarrassing the sounds minho is making while the attendant kneads & presses into his arms, back, & legs.  but eunsook is too relaxed by her own masseuse to be bothered much by her husband’s obscene grunts & moans. 

~

eunsook clutches the golden cashmere shawl around her shoulders & wonders again why she hadn’t accepted minho’s offer to pick her up.  instead she is standing on the sidewalk shivering in a dark yellow gown with gold slippers & bright red lipstick, her hair braided into an ebony crown around her head. 

the opposite of subtle. 

the few couples who pass her purse their lips in sympathetic smiles & she reflexively smiles back.  she hasn’t been stood up, she thinks at them: actually she’s early.

“why are you out here?”  a thousand points of tension melt away at the familiar deep voice & she turns with a smile that is real.

“waiting for you.  it’s quieter out here.”

“do you want to go somewhere else?”

“no, no.  very hungry.” 

“you look beautiful tonight.”

“thanks.  you don’t look half bad yourself.”  she reaches out & fiddles with the lapel of his black suit, stepping back & looking down at her feet, her toe twisting in the pavement before looking up & catching his eye.  they stand there a beat too long, soft smiles turning awkward as they realize neither of them has moved.  he steps around her, his hand to the small of her back, holding the door open as she steps through.  it is quite busy, valentine’s day after all, full of people & the gentle click of silver flatware & glass goblets, soft violins & harps filling the air.

they are seated right away, near the back with a stunning view of the city that eunsook takes in with a mixture of joy & anxiety, tapping her red manicured nails against the tablecloth.  she jumps a little when the waiter approaches, smiling shyly as he reads them the wine list.

this isn’t really her type of restaurant as she generally prefers food that can be delivered to her door.  this just all seems to be a lot of work for food that only tastes marginally better than & ends with the same result as cheaper, quicker versions.  but the sparkle in minho’s eyes when he had suggested it made her smile & she found herself unwilling to deny him.

now she feels the warmth of his hand cover the fingers that nervously dance on the tabletop, slipping her hand around until their palms are pressed together.  if he could have linked their fingers she knows he would.  she turns away from the window with a smile.

the food & the wine are as expected; expensive & delicious.  they drive down to the river & walk across the bridge, overwhelmed with sentimentality on this most romantic of days.  he kisses her hair & she rests her head against his chest, his arms slipping around her shoulders holding her tight.  later that night, they fall asleep sweaty & sated in each other’s arms.

~

the anniversary of junghee’s birth is drawing near soon to be followed by the anniversary of her death.  minho is growing quiet, withdrawn.  he spends more time in his study behind a closed door than he does with her smiling, a reflection of their first days as a married couple.  she gives him his space but makes her presence known, bringing him coffee in the den & rubbing his shoulder.  the tension spills into the night & her heart aches when she finds herself beneath the covers of a bed she hasn’t slept in in over six months. 

the impulse to send junghee’s mother a card for her daughter’s birthday is stifled but she sends one of condolences on the day mrs. kim lost her youngest child.  it feels wrong either way, to acknowledge it openly or to let the day pass, & she decides that she’d rather try & fail than do nothing at all.  a thank you card comes in the mail a few days later with a brief message & a signature, evidence that perhaps she has done the right thing.

minho goes to junghee’s grave alone.

“if you ever want to talk about her...”

“i’ll ask one of her friends.”  it wasn’t an unfair thing to say but it stings nonetheless & eunsook just nods silently as she steps out of the room.  minho sighs because that hadn’t been what he intended to say.  no one knows that he & junghee had privately broken up before she died, her increasingly erratic behavior making the dissolution of their relationship inevitable, yet he still feels that he should be mourning her more.  five years is a long time to love someone & he shouldn’t feel this apathetic that she is no longer alive.  some of it is anger, he knows.  some of it shock.  enough of it is knowing that he will never know why she had changed so much in the six months prior.  she was a different person when she died than when he had proposed & he is left with too many questions to care.

eunsook reminds him of that.  she cares too much & that reminds him that he doesn’t care enough.  if he can keep her away from this hollow sliver in his heart & mind then he can be happy & pretend that he has chosen her out of affection, that they might have a future.  he ignores the countdown & clings to each moment as though they are an eternity.  the day passes in solitude & he knocks on her door at 3 after midnight when it is no longer a day of mourning.


	5. sitting beneath a tree

eunsook puts the steaming plate down in front of minho & another at the chair beside him; he’s already three bites in by the time she sits down.

“it’s almost mother’s day.  do you want to join us this year?”  a little snort at his puffed cheeks & confusion.

“what do you mean ‘us’?  joining who?”

“your father & i.  we go out for brunch on mother’s day.”

“really?”

“yeah.  you didn’t know that?”  less of a sting & more of surprise at this lapse in knowledge; what did he think his father did the second sunday of may?

“no, i guess not.  i’ve spent the last three with junghee’s mom.”  the scrape of his fork stops & he looks far away.  “well, not last year.”  eunsook finishes her bite & tries to think of something to say to bring him back.

“you should call her up.”

“i don’t think she wants to hear from her almost-son-in-law who got married less than six months after her daughter died.”

“she might.”

“she has another daughter who’ll call her up.  she won’t be alone.”  eunsook nods as she fiddles with the food on her plate & feels guilty.

“stop that.”

“what?”

“i can feel your guilt from here.  you’re not in charge of everyone’s feelings.”

“no, i know.  i feel culpable.”

“you’re not.”

“hmm.”  it isn’t an agreement but she isn’t going to argue the point.  some of it is irrational but it really does make her sad to think that the two had been close all those years & now they aren’t, especially since she’s part of the reason.

“we should invite minjung now that she’s in town.”  she smiles at his heavy sigh.  his grandmother had come to town for a 45th reunion nearly a month ago & had made no move to leave.  it had meant frequent visits that left eunsook with a smile & minho with a headache.

“she wears on me.”

“i know.”

“i love her.”

“i know.”

“she wears on me.”

“yes.”

“where do you guys go?”

“your dad & i?”

“yes.”

“i feel like whether you join us will depend more on where we eat than on anything else.”  a cheeky grin as the broccoli speared on his fork pauses mid-air.

“on that you may be correct.”  she snorts & sips her drink.

“there’s this little diner on the edge of town that your dad really likes.  their waffles are amazing.  they had their first date there, your mom & dad.  did he ever tell you that?”

“he might have.  he doesn’t talk about her with me as much as he does with you.”

“oh.  well, i probably just remember more.”  he watches her take another bite, her head bopping side to side while she chewed.  it hadn’t really occurred to him how much his father was a part of her life.  to him it had always seemed like his father doted on her, & it was true that he did, but he had never thought that she might be doting on him back.  he was slowly beginning to realize just how close his wife & his father were & how they always had been.  “or maybe,” she continues, “he just likes me better.”  an eyebrow rises mischievously & he outright laughs.

“yeah, i’ll join you.  we can take minjung out for a late lunch after.”

“i think she’d enjoy that.”

“yeah, i think so.”

~

eunsook lays on the sofa, her head on minho’s thigh & her empty hand entangled with his.  they each hold a tablet that they intermittently swipe with their thumbs.  she is reading a novel gwiboon has recommended & he is watching a football match, the cord of a pair of ear buds tangling down his chest.  it is quiet & cool, a nice reprieve from the heat of late may.  it doesn’t occur to either of them how special a day it is, how far they’ve come in so little time.  it has been only nine months since they were wed & here they sit in the quiet, together, holding hands.

~

eunsook stands in the sand in her slip-ons, an emerald green bathing suit covered by a pale green long-sleeved crotched coverlet, though her legs are bare.  the suit is a modest one-piece with a little band around the thighs to give the illusion of a miniskirt, ribbed material to keep it from being too form-fitting; a bit like the one she has seen marilyn monroe wear in a print.  a tote bag hangs from her fingers with a tablet, sunscreen, a mini fan, a water bottle, & some snacks tucked inside.  the lake is already filled with the other guests, a slightly imbalanced group of about nine scattered around the shore or bobbing in the water, the girls in bikinis & the men in loose board shorts.  she shifts in the sand, very aware of how different her appearance is compared with the others.

gwiboon waves from where she floats near the dock & an ebony head of hair turns to look up at eunsook, taemin giving a little wave of his own.  that puts her a bit at ease & she smiles as she waves back thinking that her cousin has never looked as happy as she has the last few months. 

“sook”.  minho comes up behind her, walking just past & driving a giant umbrella into the sand.  “is this good?”

“it’s enormous.”

“that’s what she said.”

“you’ve been spending too much time with my cousin.”  gwiboon appears before them, hair damp & body glistening with lake water, a hot pink bikini clinging to her frame & taemin’s hand at her waist.

“no such thing.”  eunsook blushes as minho rolls out an enormous beach towel beneath the umbrella.

“thanks.”  she settles onto the towel, thick & soft beneath her, & accepts minho’s shirt when he pulls it off, tucking it into the tote bag.  he leans in for a kiss that she happily offers, kneeling down & letting her spread the sunscreen she warms with her hands over his naked chest & back, down his arms & hands.  he links their fingers together & leans in for another kiss, eliciting gagging noises from gwiboon & taemin who are too old for such a response & too obnoxious to care.

“do you need anything else?”

“no.  go.  have fun.”  a kiss to her hair & then he’s walking away towards the water with gwiboon & taemin in tow.

sunscreen already protects her skin from the blazing sun, too embarrassed to wait until she was in front of the group to apply it.  besides, she won’t need much while she hides beneath her umbrella & stays out of the sun.  the tablet is tugged out of her bag as she lies down on her side & begins to read.

minho high-fives jonghyun when he reaches the water’s edge, greeting their other friends scattered along the beach.  jieun sits next to jonghyun while amber & sunyoung splash each other in the lake water.  gwiboon now has her arms around taemin’s neck & they’re shoulder deep in the lake & in their own world.  changmin & junmyeon are setting up a net in the water while kyuhyun sits in a plastic folding chair inflating a giant beach ball.  minho’s toes dig in the sand as he walks over to ask if he can help.  kyuhyun gives him a silent shake of his head & changmin asks if he & eunsook want to play.

“jieun’s going to sit it out & you know kyuhyun’s not going to join us.  that just leaves you, eunsook, & jonghyun.  oh, wait.”  minho turns to look at what changmin is pointing to, frowning when he sees jonghyun sitting down next to his wife.  “i guess he’s going to go ask for us.”  changmin turns back to the net & minho watches as eunsook & jonghyun talk & laugh.  they’re too far away for him to catch any of their conversation but it’s clear that whatever the topic is is of great interest to both of them.  eunsook’s hand is waving through the air & jonghyun is watching her entranced.  minho has seen that look on his friend’s face before & his stomach clenches to think of the implications they hold now.  he grits his teeth before following after his friend. 

minho trudges up through the sand, a burst of laughter ringing through the air just as he reaches the foot of eunsook’s towel.

“hey.”

 “hey,” she replies, raising a hand to brace her eyes against the sun at his back.  he moves forward & squats down, moving himself into her shade.

“they’re going to play some volleyball.  you want to be on my team?”  her eyes light up & she tucks the tablet in her hands back into the tote bag.  palms smooth out her coverlet as she stands up & smiles at jonghyun.

“you want to come?”  minho’s jaw clenches for just a moment as jonghyun stands as well, brushing the sand off his shorts.

“maybe.  i should go see if jieun would like to join.”  minho doesn’t tell him what changmin said, watching him take off down the beach until eunsook slips her hand in his.  he leads them towards the shore, startled when she abruptly stops & the hand in his grips painfully tight.

“what is it?”

“they’re playing it in the water?”

“yeah.  doesn’t it look fun?”  he watches her take a deep breath & the hold on his hand actually tightens.  “what’s wrong?”

“i can’t swim,” she says in a small voice.

“oh.  i mean...that’s not really a problem.  it’s not that deep.  i’ll have you on my shoulders & i promise i won’t let you fall.”  she still doesn’t move, staring at the lake.  he squeezes her hand & moves in front of her, putting himself between her & the water & meeting her eyes.  “we don’t have to join them.  we can go for a walk or go lie back down on the towel.  or go to the cabin.”  the last suggestion he says with a wiggle of his eyebrows & she smiles, albeit nervously.

“do you promise not to let me fall?”

“i solemnly vow.”  she swallows & takes another deep breath.

“ok.”

in the end they are victorious, eunsook’s timid punches growing progressively aggressive as the match wears on.  minho knows how competitive she really is but the others, with the exception of gwiboon, clearly have no idea & he laughs as he watches the surprise on their faces.  they are also the only ones who stay dry through the match, others tripping over sand or rocks as they try to block the beach ball that eunsook thumps across the net.

his hands on her thighs, he walks them out of the water & kneels down on the sand, bending over so that she can step off of his shoulders.  they join hands & start following the others up the small hill to the deck & the scent of cooking meat.  jonghyun hadn’t joined the game, opting instead to sit with jieun on the shore & root the other couples on.  they sit together now on a bench in the shade as kyuhyun begins serving the hamburgers & hot dogs he has been bar-be-cuing while the others played in the lake.  jieun sips on a soda while jonghyun eats his burger & minho feels a little bad for thinking his friend had any intentions on eunsook.

a pair of plates are grabbed & they begin filling up with hamburgers & salad, potato chips & fresh fruit.  she follows him to one of the umbrella-covered tables near the railing of the deck.

“i’m going to go grab a soda.  do you want anything?”

“if they have any iced tea that’s what i’d like.  otherwise just water.”  he nods & then moves away, maneuvering through the small crowd of wet friends in bathing suits.  eunsook pokes at her food while she waits, not comfortable enough to eat by herself.  the sound of gwiboon laughing has her looking around & finding her cousin with taemin in line where they’re feeding each other little bites.  taemin’s hand rests around gwiboon’s waist & he plops his head on her shoulder while she scoops out some potato salad, closing his eyes when she turns to kiss his forehead.

they come over to her table, taemin carrying both plates that he puts down before pulling out gwiboon’s chair.

“he does that,” she says with a faux frown, “even though he knows i can do it myself.”

“i like to watch your ass & this gives me a few extra seconds of prime viewing.”  gwiboon’s eyes bulge as eunsook bursts out laughing & she watches her cousin punch her boyfriend’s arm.

“i can’t believe you said that.  you’re supposed to be a good catholic boy.”

“& as such i must tell the truth.”  he leans over with pursed lips & she rolls her eyes before giving him a quick peck.  minho joins them then, sitting down & handing eunsook a cold can.

“is this what we do now?  kisses instead of grace?”  he winks at taemin who gives him a thumbs up. 

a bonfire is set up on the beach & eunsook grabs her shawl from their room.  it is incredibly hot & humid, the air pressing down on them all, but she still wants the feeling of being wrapped up while she holds her stick with its marshmallow in the flames.  minho sits beside her, bumping her shoulder from time to time with his movements.  she bumps him back hard enough to knock him off the bench & he laughs when she drops her stick with its half-cooked marshmallow to help him back up.

the sky begins to sparkle with stars glistening through heavy clouds & a full moon that lights up the beach.  one by one they all head back to their respective cabins, bidding each other a fond good night.

eunsook & minho are the last to leave.  they hold hands & her head rests on his shoulder while they listen to the waves & watch the night sky.  he finally convinces her to head back in when even in the heat he begins to feel a chill.  the hand he offers as he stands is accepted & their fingers are linked as they make their way.

it’s a tiny cabin with just a bed & a set of windows, a door that locks & a floor that might splinter their feet if they’re not careful.  the sheet from the bed has been lain over their bags & they’re both lying on their sides naked as they make out in the hot room. 

“i think jonghyun has a crush on you.”  eunsook smiles & kisses his lips.

“do you have a crush on me?” she asks with a waggle of her eyebrows.

“i just told you my best friend has the hots for you & that’s your response?”

“first of all you said ‘crush’,” she says kissing his lips again.  “second of all it’s jonghyun; who doesn’t he have a crush on?”  she kisses his jaw & he lets out a soft sigh.  “third of all,” he moans as she begins sucking at the juncture between his neck & his shoulder, “he’s not the one i want crushing on me.”  minho moves his hands up & rubs them over her ass.

“yeah, i got a crush on you.  do you have a crush on me?”

“maybe a little,” she murmurs into his collarbone.  “mostly i just want you around for your body.”  he snorts & then groans as she sucks a nipple into her mouth.

minho pulls away long enough to kiss at her shoulder & whisper in her ear & she giggles at his suggestion. 

“the others will hear.”

“not if we’re quiet.”

“that’s not really our strong suit though, is it?”  minho laughs, his hands rubbing up & down eunsook’s waist.  he slips his hands behind her back & pulls her close, kissing at her clavicle & moving up her neck.

“it would be worth a try,” he murmurs into the sensitive skin, nipping at her jaw.  she rolls her eyes & moves her arms from his shoulders up around his neck.

“is that a challenge?”

“it might be.”

“i like challenges.”

“i know.”  his hands brush up & down her spine, one hand moving over her hip & massaging her thigh.  she sighs into his mouth, shifting in his hold & licking at his lips.  they lose themselves to the sensations of gentle kisses & warm palms, fingers that curl into his hair.  it is soft & sensual & everything right in the moment.  she leans forward forcing him to roll onto his back.  her hands brace on the bed over his shoulders as she begins moving down, kissing at his chest & abdomen until she reaches his waist & blows a raspberry against his navel.  he laughs as she blows another, his fingers in her hair.  taking his dick in her hand she licks up from the base before taking it in her mouth & massages beneath with her fingers.  the sounds are obscenely loud & wet in the small cabin & moans begin to tumble from his lips.  once she begins humming he sits up & pushes her away gently, grasping her face & drawing everything she has just done into his own mouth.  he shifts them around so that she is on her back & her legs are spread with him in-between.

their lips break away as he moves down to nip at her jaw with one hand massaging her breasts & a nipple sucked into his mouth, little kisses dropping as he makes his way back down.  he kisses at her inner thigh before licking into her folds.  the moans are breathy from her throat & it’s not long before her fingers are running through his hair & she’s begging, “ _now.  please_.”  the thigh he’d pressed his lips to before is kissed again  & he strokes himself a few times before climbing onto his knees.  the condom he’d tucked beneath his pillow just for such an occasion as this is pulled out & she laughs & punches him lightly on the chest, pulling him down & nibbling at his lip.  the condom is rolled on & then he’s guiding himself into her, pressing his hands beside her ribs & leaning down to take her lips into his mouth. 

the bed is sturdy & makes little noise as their bodies move in tandem.  a steady pace is kept that wouldn’t have been so modest if they were at home & assured of privacy.  as it is, they are already worked up with all the tension of trying to keep quiet.  “ _oh god, oh god, oh god_ ” is her whispered refrain.  eunsook has him move so that she is on her knees, face pressing into a pillow to muffle her moans, his lips against her shoulder to stifle his groans.  the knees beneath her shake as she cums & he holds her by the waist to keep her upright as he continues to thrust through his own orgasm.  he lays her down gently & she rolls over so they are facing each other, running a hand over his sweaty brow & pushing back the little strands that stick to his forehead.

“i think we did pretty well,” she whispers, grinning.

“yeah, not bad.”  a hand is placed at his shoulder that slips down his arm & he takes it in his own lacing their fingers together.  they fall asleep, his arm across a pillow & her head resting on the crook of her elbow, still holding hands.

he wakes to her clinging to him, shaking.  her fingers dig into his bicep & her face is pressed against his chest & he can feel the tears that have already begun to fall.  he is about to ask what’s wrong when the room lights up & a deafening roar of thunder rings through the air.  he shifts & wraps his arms tightly around her naked body, bringing her close & kissing her forehead.

the next time he wakes he is alone & the pillow she had been resting on is cool to the touch.  he jumps up & slips hastily into his shorts & sandals, bursting out the cabin door without bothering with a shirt.  the humidity of the previous day has waned to a damp & chilly morning & he shivers a little.  he scans the edge of the lake & checks the deck with the tables & chairs, surprising sunyeon & amber who are laughing over early cups of coffee.

“morning,” amber says, her hand playing with sunyeon’s fingers.

“hey.  have you seen eunsook?”

“you lost your wife?” sunyeon asks with a smile.

“maybe,” he replies distractedly, looking over his shoulder to the path that leads into the woods.  “let her know i’m looking for her if you see her, ‘kay?”

“yeah, sure.”  halfway down the path he spots her, red shawl bright against all the green as she emerges from the woods.

“hey!” she says in surprise, “are you ok?”

“yeah i just...” he keeps moving toward her, grabbing her hand & kissing the back of it before lacing her fingers through his own, not sure why he was so nervous to find her gone.  “i didn’t know where you were.”

“oh!  i left you a note.  i guess you didn’t see it.”

“no i didn’t.”  they move up the path together, their palms warm in the chill.  “where did you go?”

“just exploring.  woke up earlier than i expected & didn’t want to wake you on your vacation.”

“always wake me up.  for anything.”

“anything?”

“anything.”

“so if i decide to clean the bathroom at six in the morning...”

“then you better make it worth my while at 6:45.”  laughing, she punches his arm, leaning her head against his shoulder as they make it to the front of the main cabin.  they go into the kitchen & pour themselves a couple cups of coffee before stepping out onto the patio where amber & sunyeon still sit.

“you found her.”

“yes,” he says, his hand at eunsook’s back as she sits down in one of the chairs beside the couple.

they chat for a bit, little things of insignificance that friends discuss when they’re happy & relaxed.  the others start filing out slowly & soon enough the smell of breakfast begins wafting through the air from the kitchen where kyuhyun has begun preparing a hot meal for the group.  eunsook has a bowl of oatmeal while minho has a plate of eggs & they laugh as they eat & chat with their friends.

gwiboon & taemin are the last to join them, their lips a bit too puffy for the early morning & an unmistakable grin on taemin’s face that he doesn’t bother to hide.  gwiboon sits with her legs on taemin’s lap while she eats & he rubs his hands up & down her shins while he watches.  it is good, eunsook thinks, to see her cousin so happy & content.

after breakfast the group starts packing up & by noon they have all dispersed.  eunsook rides with her feet on the dash & her hand on minho’s thigh as he drives them back to their own little cabin by the lake.

~

“so what is our anniversary?” eunsook asks as she loads the dishwasher.  “the day we signed the contract for the annulment or the day we signed the contract for marriage?”

“that is an excellent question,” minho replies, putting away the little bit of food left over from their supper.

“i mean we’ll have to have a party for the marriage contract, won’t we?  some kind of celebration.”

“even if we don’t i’m sure gwiboon or dad will put something together.”

“i just...it would be kind of fun to do something frivolous on our contract day.  go to an arcade or something.”

“an arcade?”

“i don’t know.  something silly.”

“that actually sounds fun.  noisy but fun.”

“chuck e. cheese.”

“are you serious?”

“maybe not.”

“there’s this one arcade that has a bowling alley, bumper cars, & a climbing wall.”

“and you know this how?”

“spoilers.”

“ok that was definitely ‘dr. who.’”

“maybe.”

~

eunsook stands at the edge of the graveyard uncertain what to do.  she usually tends mrs. choi’s grave by herself, knowing that mr. choi would have minho at his side & not wanting to intrude on the family reunion.  but she is family now, in a way, yet she still feels like an imposter; a woman playing house for a time.  the lilies crinkle in their plastic wrapping & she’s embarrassed that it hadn’t occurred to her to speak with minho before they each left that morning, & curious as to why his father isn’t there with him.

as he begins to stand she freezes, wanting to hide but unable to move & he’s nearly upon her before he notices her presence, his face warming in surprise.  he glances at the flowers in her hand & looks back up, frowning in confusion.

“what are those?”

“lilies.”

“for whom?”

“for your mother.”  the confusion on his face deepens & then there’s the sudden mark of clarity.

“you’re the one.”  the tone of his voice is a sort of awe & she can feel herself begin to shrink in response.

“the one what?”

“you bring her flowers on her birthday.”  eunsook hesitates & then nods.

“yes.”  he smiles at that, softly.  “i remember she liked lilies.  your dad brought them to her a lot.”  the smile pauses & his eyes widen in surprise.

“you remember her?”

“yes.  she was always very kind to me & she had a beautiful voice.  she sang to us a lot.  it was the only way to make you behave.”  eunsook chuckles at the memory, looking down at the ground & twisting her foot into the grass. 

“what do you mean?”

“you wouldn’t nap if i was still up & you wouldn’t leave me alone if she laid us down together,” she says before looking back up.  “so she’d rock me & you’d watch from your bed.”  minho is nodding & he leans in excitedly as he asks if she remembers anything else.  eunsook blinks, surprised at the intensity with which he makes his request.

“yes.”

“would you mind telling me?”  her eyes soften & she steps forward, pressing a hand to his cheek.

“of course i will.”

~

they sit on an ornate bench in the quiet yard surrounded by marble headstones & flat cement etched with the names & dates of those long gone & some who have only recently passed.  eunsook’s lilies rest above the name of minho’s mother & they face each other as they talk.

“i was only three when she died,” he starts.  “i don’t remember much.”  eunsook reaches out & places her palm over the back of his hand.

“i’ll try to fill in the pieces as best i can.”

“my dad doesn’t talk about her much & minjung speaks of her as though she’s still here.  but they remember her as their wife & their daughter; neither of them know what she was like as a mom.”

“she was a good mom.”

“you think so?”

“she was always very nice to me.”

“did she bake cookies?”  eunsook laughs.

“no.  at least not with me.  mostly she read us books & sang us songs.  took us on walks & to the park.”

“that’s nice.”

“she’s the reason you called me ‘key’ when we were little, i think.  well, everyone called me ‘sookie’ but she was the one we were together with the most & she never corrected you.”

“i can’t believe i forgot your real name.”  eunsook shrugs & looks away, uncomfortable at the reminder.  minho catches his mistake & quickly changes the topic.

“what’s your favorite memory of her?”  eunsook’s face softens as she turns back, thinking on the question. 

“i think i was about four so you were two.  not in a stroller though, we were both holding her hands.  she took us to a bakery & we split a lemon cupcake.  it was a quiet day, spring maybe, & then she took us to the park.  you were in the little swing with the holes for legs & she let me push you.  then we went back to your house & she read to me on the sofa while you laid on the floor wrapped in a blanket.”  she laughs.  “that’s actually kind of weird, now that i think about it.  but she was always telling you that you had to lie still & be quiet so that ‘sookie can hear’.  i honestly thought there was something wrong with my hearing because of that, that i needed complete silence to read.  but i realized later that she was just trying to get you to nap.”  she shrugs.  “i know it doesn’t sound special.  but it was just such a nice, calm day.  & it’s not like my home life was hectic or anything.  this just...it was just a nice day.  maybe it’s because it’s one of the clearest memories.  everything else is just moments that don’t really meld together, though there are enough consistencies to make a tentative picture.  but this was a day where they all blend together into one cohesive memory.  so yeah.  she was really nice.  i loved her.”

minho’s not sure when he stops hearing what she is saying & starts just watching her say it.  the way her eyes light up & her cheeks blush when she speaks of his mother, so happy just talking about her.  eunsook is another tether to a past he has little recollection of & he’s only now grasping the depth of that connection.  he wants to kiss her & thank her for saying ‘yes’ to so many things so many times because they have all brought them to this cool afternoon where he gets to sit with a pretty girl & listen to her talk about his mom.

he takes the memories & her hand & she’s still telling him stories as they drive home.

a week later they visit with his father to celebrate father’s day & he watches the two of them exchange stories about the mother he barely remembers.  the picture he has in his head is slowly growing through their memories, a tapestry of colors slowly growing brighter.  the water is cool as he swallows & his heart is warm as he listens.

~

the park is full of families & couples & groups wandering around with arms full of candy & prizes.  a few have henna tattoos & many of the children’s faces are painted with stars & rainbows & animal prints.  they hold hands as they wander around in the cooling night, sampling frozen bananas dipped in chocolate & chopped nuts, laughing as they take turns taking bites of the treat.  they ride the ferris wheel together, irritating the attendant & their fellow passengers by swinging their seat a little more than is safe.  eunsook slips her arms around minho’s & leans on his shoulder when their seat stops at the top of the wheel & they can see over the park & a little bit of the city.

the sun is setting & they are sat beneath a tree at the edge of the pavilion.  eunsook rests against minho’s chest between his legs with his arms around her waist & their fingers linked.  the first set of fireworks are magnificent but it slowly turns into a dizzying display of blinding lights & thundering pops punctuated with painful silence.  they stay anyway because they have nowhere else to be.  it is warm, they are comfortable, & when the fireworks do burn hot in the sky it always seems to be worth it.

the night has arrived & the sky is black when the show finally ends.  they stand & shake out their tired limbs, eunsook laughing as minho does a silly little dance.  he wraps his arm around her shoulders & they walk back to their parked car that now seems much farther away without the brightness of the sun to guide them.  they ride home with the windows down & eunsook’s bare feet on the dash, her hand falling occasionally to minho’s thigh. 

they climb the stairs to minho’s room & eunsook takes off her bra & her pants & minho takes off his pants & his shirt.  they lay down on opposite sides of the bed, moving toward the center where eunsook nestles underneath minho’s arm & rests her hand on his chest.  he knows that she will roll away soon & burrow beneath the sheet that he still covers them with with in the summer air.  but for now it is nice just to have her there & to listen to her breaths even out as she slowly falls asleep beside him. 

~

their anniversary party is in full swing & eunsook chuckles when she feels the warm pressure of minho’s head on her shoulder & his soft locks brushing against her cheek.  she reaches back & pats him on the hip.

“someone’s tired.”

“we’ve been here for hours.”

“thirty-three minutes left.”  he chuckles & stands up.

“are you serious?”

“i have an alarm on my phone.”  he snorts.

“isn’t your phone in your bag?”

“absolutely not,” she says, patting just under her arm beneath the loose tunic.

“my wife is incredibly clever.”

“and hot,” gwiboon says as she passes.  eunsook rolls her eyes & looks up at minho who is watching her with a startlingly soft gaze, winking when he catches her eye.

“definitely that too.”

~

“you’re taking us to a cabin in the woods for our anniversary?  you realize that we already live in a cabin in the woods.”

“this is different.”

“how is it different?”

“well for starters there’s no cell phone reception.  secondly, there’s no electricity.  thirdly, we’d be at least thirty miles from the nearest anything.”

“anything else on that list?”

“yeah.  you’ll be all mine.”

“i’m always all yours.”

“no.  i have to share you with people when we’re here.”

“who?  gwiboon?”

“yes,” he replies, not quite lying.

~

the cabin minho rents is warm in the late morning sun & they’re on the couch in the den kissing.  eunsook has her legs tucked beneath her knees & minho’s face in her hands, her fingers carding lazily through his hair.  he sits leaned back against the sofa, one hand resting on her hip & the other at his side.  it might be the beginning of something, it might be the threshold of their day; there’s no knowing now & there’s no rush to find out.  but in the middle of the quiet there is a click in minho’s chest that is as disorienting as it is exciting.  he knows the feeling; he’s felt it before though it’s been years.  it’s richer now in the way that everything is with age, a depth filled with knowledge that life brings whether a person wants to know or not.  it’s unexpected & unbidden & he’s torn between pushing eunsook away & drawing her nearer. 

he compromises & leans back, lifting his empty hand to her face & brushing her hair away with his thumb & a smile.  she takes a hand & presses it to the back of his, turning to kiss his wrist.  it’s the blush when she turns back, the look of surprise she tries to hide on her face that makes everything better, that makes him think that maybe he’s not alone in this whirlwind of emotions.

they stand together in the eye of a storm surrounded by promise & the most terrifying part of it all is how helpless minho feels.  the last time he was buoyed by the optimism of youth but now he is wiser, or at best further down the chronological scale, & he’s left unsettled by what a declaration could mean: especially given their circumstances.

he blinks away the doubt & leans up & kisses eunsook again, soft & languid, relishing in her taste & her warmth.  he wants to say more.  he wants to whisper into her ear & scribble notes to watch her face as she reads his words.  but his confidence is waned & it seems wiser to wait until a more stable moment to tell his wife that he is in love with her.


	6. a baby carriage

another christmas with minho’s family & this time they visit taeyeon & jinki in the couple’s modest home.  it’s two stories & a soft yellow with a grassy yard fenced in with metal chain link.  a medium sized curly brown dog joins the boys as they run towards the gate & into their cousin’s arms, the baby from last year toddling behind.  taeyeon waves from the porch with a hand at her back, her belly swelling gently beneath her dress while jinki pats minho on the back & gives eunsook a side-hug.  they’d been invited to stay with the couple but minho had insisted on staying in the hotel down the street.  a five-minute drive gives them their privacy & a hot shower & greater odds that their sleep won’t be interrupted by little hands patting at their shoulders asking to play.

right now they’re joining the family for a chicken dinner that taeyeon sheepishly confesses jinki cooked though she’s quick to add that the green bean casserole & warmed store-bought rolls were put together by her own hands.

there’s pie afterwards & a brief interlude while the boys’ teeth are brushed & they’re dressed in pajamas bearing the images of a superhero, dinosaurs, & polka dots respectively.  their kisses are bubblegum fresh before they’re led away & tucked into their shared room. 

taeyeon sighs when they come back & jinki pulls out her chair.  her head drops to his shoulder & she smiles tiredly at the couple.

“this is typically the point in the conversation when people like us ask people like you when you’re going to join us in the baby brigade.  don’t worry, this drill master will not be posing that particular question.  just tell me what wonderful adult things you’re doing & show me pictures of you doing it.”

“well,” eunsook starts, “i do have video of minho getting a massage.”  taeyeon sits up, her eyes brightening.

“really?” 

“yes.  it’s on my phone.  just give me a minute & i’ll go pull it out.”

taeyeon’s laughter at the sounds coming from eunsook’s phone pierces the dining room & eunsook jumps when her hand slaps the table.  

other little moments of their quiet life archived within the files on her phone are pulled up & flipped through.  eunsook watches taeyeon lean into jinki while they watch video jonghyun had taken of minho & eunsook playing volleyball in the lake & then sent to minho later that week.  taeyeon laughs at the picture of minho cooking breakfast in shorts shirtless with his apron tied around his naked waist.  she smiles at the selfie they’d taken at the cabin on their anniversary & grows quiet when the photograph of them after their valentine’s dinner shows up; there’s an almost imperceptible flinch that has eunsook glancing at minho. 

the mood has shifted though taeyeon still smiles when she hands eunsook back her phone.  there’s a sudden quiet that neither of their hosts seem able or willing to fill & eunsook turns to minho as he begins to stand & says that they should get back to the hotel & get some rest for the party the next morning.

“ok.  sure.”  there’s a pause & then they’re both standing, jinki pulling taeyeon’s chair out & placing a hand at her waist as they move out of the room.  there are hugs all around & a quick “bye!” from each & then minho’s opening the rental car door & they’re heading to their hotel room.

they’re inside & out of their coats & he’s in the bathroom brushing his teeth when she leans against the door & asks if something seemed off with taeyeon before they left.  he pauses in his brushing, glancing at her in the mirror with a foamy mouth before turning back to his own reflection & then down at the sink.  a minute passes before he rinses & spits & his back turns to her for a brief moment while he pats his face with a towel.

“yes, i noticed that too.”  he moves past her into the main room, pulling his shirt over his head & stepping out of his jeans.  there’s something about the way he answers her that keeps her from pressing & instead she goes into the bathroom herself & begins to wash up for bed.

the room is warm but eunsook is still cold so she wraps her arms around minho’s bicep & snuggles up against his chest instead of slipping on socks.  they haven’t spoken since her question though there’s no tension, just curiosity on her part.  they fall asleep in silence.

when eunsook sees taeyeon the next day it’s the same smiley woman she had met a year ago, three little boys running around at her knees & a surprise making their presence known in the bump at her waist.  her eyes light up when she sees eunsook & she grabs her hand to drag her over to minjung, introducing her to assorted aunts, uncles, & cousins along the way. 

“eunsook.”  minjung’s arms rise & eunsook leans into the embrace.  they take a seat at the table with her, taeyeon to her side with eunsook centered between her husband’s family & they spend the next hour chatting while jinki & minho talk on the other side of the room, keeping an eye on the kids.

the pictures & videos she’d shown taeyeon the night before are shown to minjung now & this time she watches taeyeon’s face before the picture of them on valentine’s day shows up.  it’s there again, the subtle flinch, a fade to her smile that makes eunsook sad to watch & worried as to the cause.  minjung compliments her on the look & chastises her for not wearing her glasses, laughing in embarrassment when eunsook explains she’d worn her contacts for the night.  she’s not wearing them tonight; the glasses she’s worn for the last three years sitting prominently on her nose.

minjung steps away for a moment & eunsook turns quickly to taeyeon placing a hand over the other woman’s fingers.

“are you all right?”  taeyeon’s confused smile makes her feel better though she still worries.

“yes.”  it comes out as more of a question than an answer & eunsook rushes on.

“you just seem sad when you see that picture.”  taeyeon’s eyes are immediately guarded & her tone is a little too even when she asks, “what picture?”

“taeyeon.”  the other sighs under eunsook’s gaze & glances over to where their husbands stand & back to eunsook, the smile on her lips a little too sad.

“it’s nothing, really.  sometimes i wish we hadn’t started having kids so young.  i’m twenty-three & i’ve already had three boys.  don’t get me wrong at all.  i love my children, i love my husband: i wouldn’t trade any of them for anything anyone could offer.  there are times though that i wish i could get dressed up in a fancy dress with my hair & nails done & go have a weekend with jinki, just the two of us.  he’s really good about making sure that i have ‘me’ time.  it’s no problem at all for me to get away for a few hours & be by myself.  he’s a great dad & just so good with the kids.  but i want him.  i want to be with him.  & not just in a baby-making way.”  they both start laughing, taeyeon covering her mouth with the back of her hand.  “so yeah.  it just made me a little sad to think that it doesn’t happen.”  her eyes widen & she leans in a little placing a hand on eunsook’s knee.  “oh i just realized how selfish that was!  i’m so sorry.”

“it’s fine, don’t worry.”  now it’s eunsook’s turn to glance at the men & think.  a plan forms quickly & she turns back to taeyeon with a bright smile.  “just one question.  do you trust us with your kids?”

~

“this is not how i expected to spend our christmas vacation,” minho whispers as a pair of toddlers climb over his lap & a four-year-old sits on the floor reading stoically from a picture book.  eunsook just laughs & grabs the baby before he falls head first off the sofa.

“it’s only for three days.  &,” she says, leaning over to give him a kiss that he quickly leans into, “i promise to make it worth it before new year’s.”  minho leans back in mock offense, a hand to his chest with a slight gasp.

“are you implying that i need to be bribed to spend time with my own cousins?”  the three year-old climbs over his shoulders & he bends down under the weight as the child laughs.

“no.  though i hope the offer won’t be refused.”  he’s chuckling as he moves the little boy into his lap, grabbing him by the ankles while he hangs him upside down & now it’s her turn to lean into the kiss offered from across the sofa.

~

“oh _god_!” eunsook gasps with her leg in the air, knee crooked over minho’s arm.  one hand clutches at his hip as he thrusts into her from behind while the other grasps the pillow beneath her head.  his empty hand is tangled in her hair  & his hot breath puffs erratically against her neck.  the pace he’s taken is quick & her back is arching.  the room is hot & so is his skin beneath her fingers.  the lights are on & their clothes are scattered across the floor & the bed shaking beneath them is not nearly steady enough to not bang against the wall.  “ _ah_!”  another cry as minho shifts  & moves deeper, still steady & so good.  she turns her head & kisses the sweat at his temple before their lips meet & their breaths mingle.

“ _oh god, yes, yes, yes, yesyesyesyes right there, yes, ah_!”  & then she goes quiet, five quick pants against her neck before her breath is released in a moan that vibrates through her chest.  eyes closed, she listens to minho’s voice rise & quicken, feels him peak & soften, sighing as he disappears.  the lights click off & the bed dips again as he lays down beside her.  there is no movement on her part & she feels his hand at her hip & listens to him fall asleep.

the weekend with the children had been exhausting but it had also been enlightening as she watched minho’s eyes light up whenever he was with the boys.  they had wrestled in the living room & he had made them pancakes the first morning that were far too large for little children.  books had been read both by him & the eldest; the three-year-old had a single word book that he did his best to read for his little crowd.  there was a film before nap & even diaper changes hadn’t slowed down his enthusiasm. 

minho wants kids.  she’s sure of it.

she stares now into the dark while her husband sleeps beside her wondering if maybe that will make a difference when the time comes for their arrangement to end.

~

every milestone is a repetition of the year before & they grab onto the memories as they form & tuck them away, marking them on calendars & catching them in snapshots they store on separate zip drives.  they both feel the end coming but they both hold out hope that the other will say they want to stay & neither of them have the courage to be the first to do so.

little fissures begin to erupt in small arguments that grow out of the tension of their mutual silence.  in their own way they’re daring the other to be the first to leave, creating a distance as a balm to a wound that is already forming before its time.  at the same time they cling to each other & spend more time in minho’s bed than they do talking in the den below & it’s the dichotomy of intimacy & distance that makes the sense of time slipping away dizzying.  they are neither happy nor sad but they are together & in enough ways that satisfies them both & so despite their true desires nothing changes.  

they still take walks in the night & eunsook still spends her days with mrs. song, raising her feet while the floor is vacuumed & standing in the kitchen talking while the older woman cleans.  little piles of yarn & needles scatter about the chair in the sitting room & brightly colored afghans & scarves appear & disappear as the weeks pass.  everything is the same as the year before.

~

minho watches as eunsook writes another card to junghee’s mom.  the action prompts a question that he doesn’t ask until they’re already beneath the sheets.

~

“who do you talk to?”

“what?”

“who do you talk to when you get sad?  you listen to everyone else but i’ve never heard you complain about anything.  who do you talk to?”  eunsook turns away, rolling slightly.

“i talk to people.”

“who?”

“gwiboon.”

minho is silent & she hopes that he will let the matter drop.

“who else?”  she purses her lips & remains quiet.  “who else, sook?”

“no one.  are you happy now?”

“you have me.”  she rolls over & glares at him.

“for a time.”

“what does that mean?”  in response she scoots towards the edge of the bed & stuffs her feet into her slippers, shuffling quickly towards the door.  “sook!” 

“nothing.  go to sleep.”  she turns & hurries out of the room.  there’s no hesitation & he’s halfway down the stairs by the time her foot reaches the base.

“sook.”

“just going to get some tea, minho.  i told you to go to sleep.”

“sook...”

“minho, please.  go back to bed.”

“you can talk to me too.”  she stares at him & chews her lip.  a sigh & then she asks if he’d like some teas as well.  they drink in silence & fall asleep on opposite ends of the bed.

~

“augh!!!”

minho bursts out of the study glancing around frantically for his wife.

“sook?”  eunsook runs out of the bedroom & down the stairs beaming with her phone in her hands.

“taeyeon had her baby!”  the phone turns & there’s a picture of his cousin with a sleepy smile & a red wrinkly newborn snuggled against her chest.  he frowns.

“why didn’t they text me?”

“i told you,” eunsook says, turning the phone back around.  “i’m the favorite.  also, you left your phone on the night stand.”

“did they say what they’re going to name it?”

“um...” eunsook scrolls through the message.  “no.  just says ‘baby lee has shifted residences.  can now be reached at’ & then jinki put in his number.”  she snorts & looks up at minho.  “your cousins are weird.”

“true.”  

~

eunsook tilts her head back & focuses on everything that’s happening so that it’ll be sharp in her memories.  the way minho feels inside of her, his thighs pressed against her as thrusts in.  the muscles in his back that twitch & flex beneath her fingers & his skin that is warm & slightly damp.  a pillow sits beneath her head & the sheet is soft against her back, the mattress firm as her body is pressed into it over & over by his hips.  breaths ghost hot against her neck & when she turns her head his temple is there.  she moves her hands up & slips them around his neck as he continues to gasp into her ear.  her own breath is ragged & there is something unnatural about how quiet they’re being.  one hand moves up to wipe the sweat off his brow & smooth it through his hair & it’s then that he looks at her. 

the taste of his lips on hers pulls a little moan through her throat & she shifts her legs so that they’re spread wider & higher, letting him in deeper.  everything is warm & languid as though they have time & it’s perfect & good.

“so good,” she whispers against his mouth & when their eyes meet it’s enough.

~

the buzzing grows louder the closer eunsook gets to the study door.  she knocks on it as she pushes it open, looking around but finding it empty.  minho’s phone vibrates on his desk, the screen glowing & she crosses the room with an amused smile as she moves to pick it up.

“contract end” 

her heart clenches & she frowns.  it is an alarm set for three weeks before the date they had agreed to separate.  the contract that they had put together two years ago: it would end in three weeks.  & minho has an alarm on his phone to remind him.  she places it back on the desk & steps back out of the room, closing the door behind her.  her feet carry her up the stairs to her room where she stands in the doorway & stares at the wall.  things have not been quite right for the last few weeks but she had thought...what had she thought?  hoped?  her brain feels fuzzy & a numbness settles over her body.  she glances around the room, the one she hasn’t slept in for over a year, & wonders how long it will take to pack up her things.  she wonders where she will take them to when she leaves.  the letter junghee left her is pulled out of the journal that rests in a decorative box beside her dresser.  the words are still everything she should not have been sent & things that had periphery meaning then are full of focus now.  more than she had anticipated when the choice to say yes was taken.

a sigh & the paper falls limp in her fingers.  there’s no more question of what to do; she’s fulfilled junghee’s last wishes.  maybe she deserves more now than that simple relief.  maybe she doesn’t.  the call of mrs. song from downstairs distracts her & she leaves the room without tucking the letter back in its box, not noticing it fluttering behind her & landing between the bedroom doors.

~

“sook!”  minho glances around the kitchen & pops his head into the den, calling out “sook!” once more as he begins making his way up the stairs.  today is the day, he’s decided, he’s not putting it off anymore.  he loves eunsook & he wants her to stay & today he’s going to ask her to keep being his wife.

“sook!”  he’s just reached the landing when he sees a piece of paper lying on the ground & reaches down to pick it up.  minho’s heart does a weird skip when he sees the familiar script on the familiar paper.  junghee had always liked pastels & enjoyed writing letters on the pale orange stationary he’d bought her for her birthday three years ago.  he lifts it up & begin to read.  his brows furrow & when he sees his name written in the third person he flips the letter over to see to whom it was addressed. 

“eunsook” sits emblazoned at the top of the page.

confused, he begins reading from the beginning, growing frustrated as the words spread out in black ink make less & less sense.  a story was being woven that thread him along its path but neglected to notify him of the process.  it isn’t the entire letter, ending abruptly in the middle of a sentence, but it is enough to give him the idea that eunsook’s affections were brought about by the insistence of a woman who he had loved.  in some ways it was a beautiful sentiment, caring enough to ensure that he was cared for.  & if it had ended there it would have been enough.  but he had fallen in love because she had lied to him.

was that why she was willing to leave?

he is still holding the letter when she walks in the door.  her smile is soft when she sees him at the top of the stairs.  it’s disarming & he could almost believe in its truth but a sliver of doubt the size of a knife has slipped through his heart & he can’t trust her warmth any longer.  it must show on his face because her smile falters. 

“what’s wrong?”  he moves down the stairs slowly, watching her, holding out the letter once they stand face to face.  her smile disappears & her face grows pale.  she never asks him where he found it because it doesn’t matter.

“so this was all a lie?”

“it was always a lie.  we agreed.”

“we agreed to a contract.  this goes far beyond the scope.”

“no, it-”

“you tricked me into falling in love with you!”  there’s a flinch at the declaration that just makes him angrier.  “was any of it real?”

“minho.  please.”  her eyes beg him to stop as they fill with tears.

“was it, eunsook?”  they spill over her cheeks: it has been so long since he’s said her full name that she feels the sharpness of the switch acutely.  he wants to reach out & wipe the tears from her face but he can’t bring himself to move.

she doesn’t know how to answer.  some of it was, yes.  the important things, the things they built together off of those false foundations.  but how do you say “i lied to you then but i love you now” & expect them to ever trust the words that spill from your lips again?  so she just looks at him without speaking, tears pouring down her face as she weeps.

he nods, resolve slowly forming over his face & she closes her eyes against the change, refusing to bear witness to their hearts breaking together.  she listens to his footsteps move away from her & the click of the door opening & swinging shut.  the sound of an engine roars to life & the soft crunch of gravel as it pulls away.  she drops to her knees, her face in her hands as every piece of sadness she has ever felt slips through her fingers.


	7. doing a paso doble dance

gwiboon starts talking before eunsook even sits down & she’s already halfway into the booth when what her cousin’s saying starts to click.

“he said what?”

“he asked me to marry him.”  gwiboon’s watching her in that way eunsook knows so well, asking for her consent for things she doesn’t need eunsook’s permission for.  this is an easy one: she’s definitely saying yes.

“congratulations!  oh my god!”  it’s not until gwiboon pulls her hand from beneath the table that eunsook even notices that it was missing & the ring is not what she imagined.

“wow.”  a breathless declaration, her hand reaching out to hold gwiboon’s fingers & bring the ring closer.  there’s no stone to glitter in the light, no jewel to catch the eye.  it’s a twist of silver with a rose & a leaf in the center, delicate & intricate & perfectly unique.

just like gwiboon. 

“he made it.”  eunsook looks up at the wonder in gwiboon’s voice & smiles at the pink in her cousin’s cheeks.

“it’s absolutely beautiful.”  the fingers are released as staff arrive to take their order.  the appetite that was non-existent when she arrived is buoyed a bit by her cousin’s news & a plate of saag paneer & a basket of naan is ordered for the two of them to share.

“when did he propose?”  a cloud falls in gwiboon’s gaze & there’s a hesitation she recognizes.  “what happened?”

“well...”

“gwiboon.”

“we had a fight.  & it was a good fight, it was fair.  no name calling or things being thrown or any of my usual.”  she swallows & eunsook manages to suppress an inappropriate laugh with a sip of her ice water.

“it’s been bothering me for a while that he might want more kids.  & i don’t want any.”  eunsook raises an eyebrow & opens her mouth to point out the obvious problem with that as gwiboon quickly waves her hand.  “that’s not what i mean.  i don’t want to have any of my own.  that’s not something i’ve ever wanted.  & instead of having that conversation i just kept putting it off.  & then ondrew said something about me being his mom & us having a baby & it just brought things to a head.

“i waited until he was asleep & then we talked at the table & i was more aggressive than i should have been because i thought ‘this is it.  this is when this great man walks out & i never see him again.’”  her eyes well up & eunsook moves quickly to her side, slipping an arm around her shoulders & holding her close, rubbing her hand up & down her arm & waving away the wait staff who come over with concern.

“i know it’s not rational-”

“love rarely is.”

“-but i just keep thinking that there’s no way he’ll stay.  he’s too nice.”

“you are worth staying around for.”  gwiboon sobs then, burying her face deeper into eunsook’s chest & not for the first time eunsook curses her cousin’s father.  it takes a few moments for gwiboon to catch her breath & sit up, knuckles delicately wiping at her eyes & little sniffles taking the place of heavy sobs.  she laughs & points eunsook back to her side of the table & then they are sitting across from each other as she begins again, interrupted immediately by the arrival of their food.

“that’s pretty much what he said.  i told him that i didn’t want to have my own kids & that i can’t be a traditional mom staying home, keeping house, any of that stuff.  no pta meetings.”  eunsook bursts out laughing, covering her mouth & the bite of naan she nearly chokes on.  “that part made him laugh too.  i told him that i can show ondrew art & help him read & that i can show him love.  he said he knew that all already & asked if there was anything else that was bothering me.  so i told him that i didn’t understand why he was with me.  & then he told me all the reasons.”  gwiboon swallows back a few more tears & takes a shaky breath.  “i had to stop him after an hour.”  eunsook laughs again at both the smile on gwiboon’s face & taemin’s sappiness.

“aw.”  gwiboon twists sideways with a blush & faux irritation at eunsook’s teasing.

“shut up.  it was nice.”

“then he proposed?”

“yes.  he asked me if i’d be willing to settle for him.”

“ha!  oh my gosh.  that’s so cute.”

“he’s such a weirdo,” gwiboon mutters, looking down at her ring.

“yes but he’s your weirdo.”

“yeah.”  there’s another pause & then gwiboon is looking up at her with hopeful eyes asking “so what’s new with you?”

~

eunsook doesn’t mean to do it, it is a secret that was meant to be kept.  but they’ve been talking & drinking at gwiboon’s apartment for the last hour & she’s not wholly sober anymore & gwiboon has just made a remark about minho that she feels needs to be defended.

“no, he didn’t promise for forever.  it was only two years.”  another drink burns down her throat & warms her chest.  she sighs & looks back up at gwiboon who now looks more confused than angry.  that’s good. 

“what was only two years?”

“our contract.”  it slips out so easily & though she tries to grab the words they’ve already floated away before she can slap them back against her lips.

“you had a contract?”

“all marriages are contracts.”  another sip & another sigh & her eyes shut against the look gwiboon is giving her.

“you made a contract with him that said your marriage would only last two years?”  eunsook just nods in the darkness.  “why?”  the thought of fabricating a story is tempting but her brain is just clear enough to know that her mind is too fuzzy to make one up.  besides, it doesn’t matter anymore.

“junghee.”    

“junghee?”

“she asked me to take care of him.”

“...junghee asked you to take care of minho?”

“mm-hmm.”

“when?”

“in a letter.  before she died.  she knew he’d be sad.”

“how did she know?”  eunsook opens her eyes because that was definitely not meant to be shared.  she’s staring at gwiboon wide-eyed & gwiboon is shifting in her chair & her tone is dangerous when she repeats, “eunsook.  how did she know?”

“please don’t ask.”  it’s all she can think of to say, clinging now to hope.  gwiboon’s eyes narrow.

“ok.  does minho know?”

“no.  he just wanted everyone to stop feeling sorry for him.  he thought it would be better if they were mad.  then they’d leave him alone.”

“oh.”  eunsook lifts her bottle & finds it empty.  it drops to the carpet beside her & absently she hopes it doesn’t tip over.  they’re in gwiboon’s flat because she likes it there.  it’s cramped & cozy & smells nice.  the sofa is hers & gwiboon sits in a chair far soberer & confused than eunsook.

it’s quiet for a while & eunsook can almost hear her cousin thinking.  she wishes she hadn’t said anything on this beautiful day when gwiboon is in love & engaged to a good man.  maybe her cousin will forgive her. 

“did you tell him you were in love with him?”

“no.”  it comes out so fast she doesn’t have time to be surprised by gwiboon’s question.  “we never said ‘i love you’.”

“even though it was obvious that you both did?”

“maybe he did.  he doesn’t now.  he can’t.  i lied to him & now he knows.  that wasn’t fair to him.”

“about junghee?”  eunsook nods silently into her chest & stares at her toes.

“he found one of her letters.”

“there were more than one?”

“no, just one.  lots of pages, though.”  she looks up at gwiboon then.  “please don’t ask about her anymore.”

“ok.  sorry.  did he say anything before he left?”

“that i tricked him into falling in love.”

“what the fuck?!”

“gwi.”

“ok, ok.”

“he also asked me if it was a lie.”

“what did you say?”

“nothing.”

“nothing?”

“nothing.  what could i say?  if i said ‘yes’ it wouldn’t be true & if i said ‘no’ it wouldn’t be true.”

“so you said nothing.”

“i said nothing.”

“you love him.”

“so much.”

“but you won’t tell him.”

“no.”

“what if he came back?”

“gwi...”

“just tell me.  would you marry him again if he asked?”

“yes.”

gwiboon nods & doesn’t ask any more questions & eunsook offers no more secrets.  they sit in stillness until they fall asleep in the bed gwiboon unfolds from the depths of the couch & eunsook wakes up with her cousin’s hand on her back.  she leaves in the morning with a long, tight hug & a specific destination in mind.

~

the hardest part was telling his father.  the smile he gives her is so warm & so sad that she bursts into tears & begins apologizing for failing.

“i’m so sorry,” she says into his suit jacket.  familiar arms hold her around the shoulders & the scent of his cologne is a soft balm to a wound that is still raw.  the hands at her back alternately hold her tight & rub soothing circles around her spine: her eyes close when she feels the gentle pressure of a kiss to the top of her head.

“shhhh.  i’ll always love you,” he says.  “remember that.”  she bites her lip & sniffles as she nods against his chest.

~

“i want to ask eunsook out.”  minho takes a long sip of the drink in front of him, keeping his eyes on the worn wooden table. 

“i know.”

“oh.”  jonghyun sounds confused & minho sighs, looking up at his friend.

“you weren’t subtle.”  an unfair remark that has jonghyun’s eyes widening.

“oh man, i didn’t mean-”

“no, you,” minho runs his fingers through his hair & gives jonghyun the best smile he can.  “you didn’t do anything wrong.  i never felt disrespected &, more importantly, eunsook never said she felt uncomfortable.  that’s what matters.”

“good, good.”  minho watches him & knows that jonghyun isn’t convinced.  against his interests & for eunsook’s he leans forward.

“look.  it’s been two months.  we’re all adults without commitments.  if eunsook says yes then you should take her out.”

“are you sure?”

“yes.  you two could be great together.”  they really could too, he thinks.  jonghyun always made her laugh.

“i just don’t want things to be awkward.”  minho snorts & looks out the window.  it takes a moment for him to turn back & look jonghyun in the eye.

“it’d be more awkward if i knew my best friend had a thing for my ex-wife & i didn’t give him the chance to make her happy.”

“ok.”  jonghyun nods soberly.   suddenly he breaks into a smile so bright that it makes minho’s eyes hurt.  “thanks man.”  minho gets a warm pat to his shoulder & a paid bill as his friend leaves.  he waits a full minute from the last moment the bells over the cafe door stop jingling before he slams his fists on the table & puts his head in his hands.   

~

two blocks until she reaches her destination, her heart clenching as she gets closer.  maybe today’s the day she actually makes it inside.  the click of her shoes against the pavement is interrupted by an abrupt “eunsook!” behind her & she looks over her shoulder to find jonghyun trotting up behind her with a wide grin.

“hi!”

“hey,” she replies slowly, surprised to see him downtown.  instinctively she glances over his shoulder, somehow expecting minho to be coming up from behind.  the disappointment of not finding him there has her sighing as she turns back to jonghyun with a little smile.

“how have you been?  i heard about you & minho.  sorry things didn’t work out.”

“thanks.”  he looks like he is about to say something more but then he shuts his mouth & just smiles at her.  conversation isn’t something she’s really interested at the moment but it feels rude to leave him on the sidewalk. 

“how are you & jieun?”  the smile falls & she feels bad for asking.

“we broke up a few months ago.”

“oh.  i’m sorry.”

“don’t be.  it hadn’t been working out for a while.”

“ah.”  they stand in awkward silence, eunsook glancing over her shoulder at the street sign & jonghyun rocking on his heels with his hands in his pockets.  “well,” she starts, “i should be going.  so-” jonghyun suddenly steps forward & she instinctively steps back.  there’s a pause that he soon fills with a question.

“eunsook.  i... if i’m out of line let me know.  but i was wondering if i could take you out to dinner some time?”  her eyes blink of their own accord & the answer is so obvious she wonders why he asked the question.

“oh.  no, i don’t think that would be a good idea.”

“because of minho?”

“well yeah.”

“if it makes you feel better i talked to him first.”  her eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“you asked minho if you could ask me out?”  the way jonghyun’s eye widen is almost comical & if they weren’t discussing her soon-to-be ex-husband being asked permission to take her on a date she might have laughed.

“oh.  when you put it that way it sounds...kind of gross.”

“kind of.”

“i just didn’t want to make things awkward between us.”  that actually makes it a little better.  in fact, she realizes, she might have done the same if things were different.

“no i get that.  what did he say?”

“that we were adults.”

“that’s it?”

“he said that you were free to make your own choices.”  she nods.  “is he the only reason?”  the look in his eyes is so hopeful, so earnest: her heart aches for him a little.  she tilts her head to the side & smiles at him sadly.

“jonghyun...” 

“i just...i really like you eunsook.  & if you gave me a chance i’d like to think you’d like me to.”  the memory of minho telling her that jonghyun had a crush on her flickers but something else in her memories burns brighter.  the smile is still there but now her eyes narrow.

“how long?”

“what?”

“how long have you liked me?”

“since we met.”

“when did we meet?”

“two years ago, july, just after you & minho got engaged.”

“the first time we met?”

“yes, of course.”

“jonghyun we’ve known each other for five years.”  the day they had met he & gwiboon had been slightly tipsy, laughing a little too loudly but definitely having fun.  he’d dated her cousin for a brief nine months before they decided they were better off as friends.  typical, she thinks bitterly, of minho’s friend to forget having met her.

“what?  no.”

“yes.  you dated my cousin.  gwiboon”  there’s a sudden gleam of recognition & his mouth forms a perfect ‘o’ as she continues.  “you say you like me & maybe you do.  but you don’t even remember me. & that says a lot.”  she watches as he bristles at her rebuke.

“neither did minho.”  the smile disappears & her eyes grow hard, cold.  she opens her mouth to speak, to scream into the sky & pound her feet on the pavement & tell him that she knows that & that just because she gave his friend a chance doesn’t mean he deserves one too.  part of her wants to tell him off & part of her wants to ask him how to get her husband back.  watching jonghyun’s face she breathes it all back in & swallows it down, lets it evaporate in her lungs.

“good-bye jonghyun.”  halfway down the block he pops up in front of her, blocking her path with his hands raised in defeat.

“eunsook, wait.  i’m sorry.  that was a jerk thing to say.”  her arms cross against her chest as she glares.

“yes, it was.” 

“look.  i really do like you.  & i’m sorry that i never noticed you all those years.  but i would like to be friends.  just hang out & talk about books or whatever.  so...yeah.  you don’t have to decide right now.  just...call me up if you ever want to get together.  just as friends.”  maybe they could do that.  when they talked in the past he often made her laugh.  but as easily as he had forgotten her she forgot him & his hopes are too high not to be inevitably dashed. 

she gives him a tight smile & a non-committal “ok.”  a relieved smile graces his lips & he nods as he waves good-bye, heading back in the opposite direction.  she sighs & turns around, moving up the sidewalk & turning at the corner & making her way up the block toward the courthouse.  when she reaches the crosswalk that will lead her to its door she stops.  the building is enormous, designed in some ways to look like a small castle, & she still hasn’t been inside.  & as she stares at the ornate design & the manicured lawn she knows that today she won’t be going in either.

~

gwiboon’s laughing at taemin’s anecdotes, another story about the life of being a dad to a 3-year-old when there’s a knock at the door.  startled, gwiboon stands up & moves toward the door as she asks taemin if it’s him surprising her with an impromptu visit.

“no, still at home.  i love you gwi but ondrew’s finally asleep & i’m not breaking that magic spell no matter how many kisses you tempt me with.”  she chuckles as she reaches the door, peeking through the little hole.  a frown & a curse pulls at her lips at what she sees.

“minho’s here”

“what?  why?”

“i don’t know.”

“are you going to let him in?”

“i don’t know.”

“you should.”

“why?”

“for eunsook.”  another curse & she sighs.

“fine, i will.”

“try not to be too mean.”

“hey!”

“gwi.”

“fine.”

“i love you, you know.”

“i love you too.”

“i’ll call you in the morning.”

“ok.”

“bye.”

“bye.”  the phone clicks off & she slips it into the pocket of taemin’s stolen sweatpants.

opening the door, she is shocked at minho’s appearance: gwiboon has never seen a man look so in despair.  one hand is braced on the frame, the other hangs limply at his side & he reeks of alcohol.

her first instinct is to slam the door in his face. 

they watch each other quietly, her waiting for him to speak & him with lips that move but make no noise.  finally, he just says, “help.”  the pain in his eyes reminds her of the pain in eunsook’s & she knows he has nowhere else to go.  & she’s not going to tell him how to find eunsook when he’s drunk.

she steps aside & waves him in, closing the door behind.  leading him toward the sitting area, she asks if he’d like some coffee, turning away to pour him some from the open kitchen before he can even answer.

“go sit down.”  his head hangs low & weariness radiates from his entire body, his haggard face making him appear much older than he actually is.  he takes a seat in one of the over-stuffed chairs & his head drops into his hands.  the cup of coffee she pours him is placed on a little wooden coaster shaped like a pineapple before she takes a seat beside him on a matching sofa.

“so you’re drunk.”

“no, i’m minho,” comes his muffled reply.

“oh my god.”

“no, just a mortal.”

“one more minho.”

“i miss her so much,” he whispers, his face finally re-emerging.

“you should tell her that.”

“no, i shouldn’t.  she should be happy.”

“she was.  she was happy with you.”

“was she?”

“don’t get all self-pitying now, choi.  don’t act like you didn’t see her smile.  & don’t fucking try to tell me that it was an act either.  you know it wasn’t.  she & junghee weren’t friends.  no one agrees to be married, even for just two years, to someone who can’t even fucking remember their name.  especially not for a virtual stranger.”    the shock on his face is hilarious & she doesn’t bother to hide her laughter.  “oh yeah, i know.  i knew something was off but i was so happy for eunsook that i didn’t question it.  besides, who would have guessed what you two were up to?  that’s so weird.”  the coffee is bitingly hot against her tongue, just the way she likes it, & she’s relishing in his discomfort.  his mouth opens to speak & she brusquely cuts him off.

“eunsook’s rich.  did you know that?”  minho squints at her in confusion.

“what?”

“absolutely loaded.  in case it ever crossed your mind that she did it for money.”  minho’s very quiet.  gwiboon watches him while she sips from her mug.

“no.  i offered her money but she never spent it.  it’s still in the account i set up for her.”

“you checked?”  there’s a flinch & she’s glad because she didn’t use that tone to make him smile.

“at first i was going to close the account.  then i decided i’d just take my name off but keep the auto-deposit on.  that’s when i found out that there were never any withdrawals.”

“typical eunsook,” gwiboon mutters as she takes another drink.

“what do you mean?”

“doing more than she says.  always helping out in ways that aren’t obvious.  listening without saying much.”

“i asked her about that.  it made her mad.” 

“she doesn’t like to talk about it.”

“why?”  gwiboon’s eyes narrow & she thinks about the answer to the simple one-word question & wonders if she should be the one to give it.  the decision is made when she thinks about how eunsook cried & how she had said ‘yes’ when asked if she’d marry minho again.  there’s only a hint of a secret in what she’s about to say & maybe it’s time someone besides the three of them knew: mr. choi might even be glad to share it with his son.

“you were here when her father died, right?”

“i remember going to his funeral.”

“you kissed eunsook three days later.”

“i remember.”

“& then forgot it was her.”  enough shame & regret has been expressed by him but she doesn’t resist the urge to twist that particular knife: he hasn’t earned her forgiveness yet.

“yes.” 

“he was partners with your father.”

“yes.”

“do you remember how he died?”  minho scrunches up his face in thought.

“no.  i remember that it was very sudden.”

“he was out of town on business.  they found his body in his car in a hotel parking lot.  an aneurysm.”

“oh.”

“what about her mom & her brother & sister?”

“she has a brother & sister?”  gwiboon would be angrier at him forgetting that piece of the puzzle if he hadn’t been so young when eunsook & her family moved away.  most nine-year-olds aren’t that aware of others, much less children five & six years younger.

“had.”  the depth of her answer is allowed to rest between them & she keeps her eyes on minho’s so that she can watch as he slowly begins to understand.

“what do you mean ‘had’?”

“when eunsook’s father died her mom moved them out of the city & back to the small town she & my mother grew up in.  city life hadn’t really been for her to begin with & there was no point in staying if her husband wasn’t there with them.  that’s what she told my mom anyway.

“four years passed with things going as expected for a woman who loses her husband suddenly & has three kids aged 11, 4, & 3 to raise.  then one night eunsook sneaks out of the house to go lie in the hammock that hung between two trees at the edge of the yard.  the moon had been full & it was a warm night so she had gone out to swing in the hammock & stare at the stars.  it saved her life.

“sirens & screams from across the yard woke her up.  their house burned to the ground that night with everyone & everything still inside.  the firefighters did what they could but it was just too late.”

“what happened?”  gwiboon shrugs & looks at the ground.

“old house.  bad wires.  never looked into it any more than that.  all that matters is that eunsook was there when it happened.”  gwiboon looks back up & makes sure minho is watching her before she continues.  “eunsook has nothing from her life before that day: everything burned.  clothes, toys, furniture, photographs.  the only things she has now are memories & memories fade & change.  we have a few pictures at home that she’s able to look at when she wants but that’s not nearly the same as photos you know your mother took.  the only thing she owns is a picture of her parents on their wedding day, their marriage license, & her siblings’ birth certificates that she found in a safety deposit box years later.  she made a copy of it all & carries that photograph everywhere.  has she shown it to you?”

minho shakes his head.

“maybe she will one day.  it’s not something she talks about much, not even with me.  anyway, after that she came to live with us, my mom & i.  & it was quite an adjustment for everyone since she was used to little kids running around & now she’s stuck sharing a room with a teenager who’s used to being the only child.  on top of which my mother has never been well & my dad left when i was three so it’s always been just us.  as an adult i look back & realize just how hard that must have been for her losing her family & then being put with people who aren’t used to sharing their space or their time.

“my mom was her guardian & your dad made sure that eunsook was taken well care of.  her parents both had wills, fortunately, so when they died their money & properties went to her.  your dad is smart & he made sure that it was invested well & put into a trust with limited access.  my mom used to complain that she wasn’t a trustee but your dad was smart not to let her: finances have never been my mother’s strength & she had relied heavily on my aunt & uncle when they were alive. 

“after she arrived she pretty much stopped talking & even getting her to eat wasn’t easy.  it was obvious even to me that she was depressed; who wouldn’t be after all that?  she filed for emancipation a year later & then just disappeared, completely fell off the grid.  no idea where she was for two years.  then one morning she calls & says she wants to go to easter services with us.  to this day i don’t know why.  i’m not sure she does either.  even as a child she was never religious, though her mom was.  maybe she just missed her mom & wanted that little bit of connection.  we were so glad to hear from her that we immediately said ‘yes’ & went to pick her up.  we stayed here in her apartment, the one everyone thinks is mine.”

“wait.  this is eunsook’s?  is she here?”

“no.”  gwiboon watches him, dares him to ask where she is.  he opens his mouth & then seems to think better of it, nodding silently & gesturing for her to continue.

“we were halfway through service when something just broke.  this girl who the last time i had seen her could barely move, much less cry, suddenly began to sob.  gut wrenching sobs that just would not stop.  her whole body was shaking & it was like every emotion, every pain she had ever experienced was finally being released.  i had to take her outside.  tears were still streaming down her face but the sobs slowly subsided.  it took her a long time to calm down.  afterwards we came back here & she went to her room & we didn’t see her again until the next morning.  when she came out it was like some sort of light had been lit inside her.  she had this serenity that i’d never seen her have.

“she called your dad & they talked a little about how her life had been, how depressed she had felt.  he suggested she see a therapist & reluctantly she went.  it was the best thing for her.  the therapist told her that she may be sad for a while yet, that she might even be sad always.  but she said that she could be sad without purpose or sad with purpose.

“eunsook took that & just ran with it.  she tried volunteering but it was too much for her: too many people.  so instead she started sending food to soup kitchens, diapers & formula to crisis nurseries, & starting knitting blankets for senior homes & nicu babies.”

“that explains all the yarn.  i knew she knit but i never realized that’s what she was doing.”

“did you ask?”

“i asked what she was making.  she always said it was for a friend.”

“she would.”  gwiboon looks down at the empty cup she still holds in her hands.  a sigh breathes over the cold ceramic before she puts it on top of a pineapple coaster of her own.   

“there’s one more thing.  there’s no way eunsook told you this & maybe i shouldn’t either.  but i think it’s why why eunsook was willing to sign that agreement & marry you in the first place.

“eunsook’s been in love before.  it was a long time ago & it ended badly but it was good for a long time.  he was a really nice guy.  they met when she dropped off some blankets & he was just smitten with her immediately.  i was with her that day & you should have seen the way he looked at her; like she was sunshine itself.  it was funny because they’re both pretty quiet but when they were around each other they just couldn’t stop talking.  or touching each other.  just little things to most people but huge for eunsook.  him too according to his friend frank.  he said kai wasn’t like that with just anyone & we both laughed at how lovesick the two were. 

“it never crossed her mind that he would actually be interested in her as anything more than friends.  they hung out & played pool & video games, went out for burgers, went shopping; that kind of stuff.  he got hit on all the time by girls & guys & he always got so flustered.  it was actually kind of cute.  but that just made her think that he was out of her league & that they wouldn’t ever have a romantic or physical relationship.  it took him months to convince her that he wanted that with her. 

“he asked her to marry him on their one-year anniversary & gave her a ring with a garnet instead of a diamond.  she laughed when he said it was his birthstone.  eunsook loved that ring, it was so beautiful & so simple.  it’s in a box now with all their pictures & the little notes that he wrote her.  we haven’t spoken about kai since he died but sometimes i find her going through that box, pictures & letters all around her.”     

“he died?  what happened?”

“do you remember the boy that nearly drowned about eight years ago?  a good samaritan jumped into the river & pulled him to safety & then got caught in an undercurrent?” 

“yes, i think so.”

“that was him.”

“oh my god.”

“after that eunsook tried to drop off the radar again.  this time, however, i was not letting her disappear for years on end.  i hounded her, followed her everywhere.  i had to skip my first semester of college but it was more important that i not lose her again.  i was a constant source of irritation for her which is what i was hoping for: any emotion would be better than apathy & even anger was good.”  gwiboon chuckles, looking down at her feet, arms hugging her knees to her chest.  “she even hit me.  well, decked me is more like it.  she’s stronger than she looks & pretty fierce when she’s mad.  the look on her face as she stared down at me lying on the floor is something i’ll never forget.  i think that was the turning point for her.  it wasn’t easy, it took a lot of cajoling & patience & hard work but she came out on the other side.  she knows what it’s like to lose someone you love.  and when you asked her to marry you i think she saw an opportunity to be a friend to someone she knew would need one.” 

minho leans back against the chair, rubs his face with his hands & then lets them drop into his lap.

“she loves you, you know.  she’d take you back.”

“would she?”

“absolutely.  & you love her.  that’s obvious.”  minho groans & drops his head into his hands.

“i was such a fool.”

“yes you are.”  he peered at her from under his fingers.

“thanks.”

“look.  you’re sitting with your wife’s cousin in your wife’s apartment drunk at 2am on a saturday.  lucky for you it was a rare friday where i didn’t have plans.  but i do later today so give me your phone.”

he hands it over, watching her tuck it away in a pocket before he asks, “why?”

“because i’m not risking you drunk dialing her tonight.  sober up & get your thoughts together.  you can call her in the morning.”


	8. then comes love

eunsook hangs up & tosses her phone on the table, flinging off her pajamas.  a pair of pants & a long-sleeved shirt are tugged on as she runs back towards the front door of gwiboon’s apartment, grabbing her phone on the way & stepping into her sandals.  the door slams behind her & then quickly opens again as she grabs her bag & heads back outside to the waiting cab.

the call had been unexpected & her heart still races as she thanks the driver & rushes out of the car onto the sidewalk.  the doors swish open & then a palm rubs at her chest anxiously while the other floats over a map bolted to the wall.  she finds her destination & leans over to press an elevator button, tapping her foot as she waits for the ‘ding’ that signals its arrival.     

the nurse who had called her is not the one at the station when she arrives & it takes a few minutes to confirm that she is at the right hospital.  when the nurse realizes who she is coming to see he gives her a look that she recognizes, one that she has seen minjung elicit from a number of people, a sort of restrained amusement.

the room is quiet & bright, lit by the morning sun streaming through the open blinds.  she sits down in the plastic chair next to minjung’s sleeping form & takes her hand, thinking about how soft & frail it feels & remembering the last time she was here.  now it’s her turn to sit & wait.  the minutes tick by & she falls asleep in the chair, waking up disoriented with a stiff neck.

“about time.”  she looks over at minjung who is watching her with a warm smile.

“what happened?”

“you fell asleep.”  eunsook purses her lips & squeezes minjung’s hand.

“i meant why are you here?”

“they didn’t tell you?”

“they might have.  but i want to hear it from you.”  minjung blows a puff of air haughtily through her lips.

“it was just a little cake.”

“you’re just a little diabetic.”

“at my age-”

“you need to be taking care of your health,” comes a voice from across the room.  “that’s what you need to be doing at your age.”  they both look up to see minho standing in the doorway, frazzled, looking like he’d just rolled out of bed.  “why didn’t you call me?”  the question is directed to his grandmother but it feels to eunsook as though he is speaking to her.

“i didn’t see any reason to.  my favorite grandchild is here.”  eunsook blushes & glances at minho, catching his eye.  she wants to smile, to reassure him that it isn’t true & that she doesn’t take any joy out of his grandmother’s caustic remarks.  but she can’t.  she can’t stop staring. 

he looks away first & walks over to take minjung’s hand in his, jostling it gently & covering it with his open hand.

“don’t do that again.”

“i will do what i want.”  her words are harsh but her tone is soft & she lets go of eunsook’s hand to pat the back of his.  eunsook watches, suddenly feeling like an intruder.  she stands & asks if they’d either of them like anything from the cafeteria or the vending machines.  minjung opens her mouth to speak but minho cuts her off with a terse, “nothing for you.”

turning back to eunsook he says, “a cherry coke would be great.  thanks.”

“sure.”  a quick smile at minjung who is watching her with an indecipherable look as she grabs her bag & hurries out of the room, her heart beating erratically as she presses the elevator button.  it is empty as it takes her down to the basement, a mechanical voice announcing their arrival as the doors open & she steps out.  fingers shake as she stuffs a few bills into the machine, grabbing two identical bottles of soda when they’re deposited below.  she stands there, staring at her reflection in the machine, uncertain what to do now because she’s not ready to go back.  a chair at one of the tables in the tiny room is pulled back & she sits down, surrounded by the hum of the machines as she bites her lip.  they’ll notice if she’s gone too long but she needs a moment to gather her wits & she wants to give them some time to be alone. 

minjung doesn’t know why they separated, only that they have, & she has done her best to keep in touch with eunsook even after.  but it always feels like she is taking sides, that minho is being pushed away in her favor & that isn’t fair.  he doesn’t deserve that; he has done nothing wrong.  not really. 

she sighs & opens her bottle, taking a long sip & knowing she will regret it as soon as the sugar & caffeine kick in.  nothing as dramatic as cutting minjung out of her life has been done.  their time together, however, has definitely been cut back & messages much shorter than those she used to send.  it was hard: she loves her dearly.  but minho deserves to have his grandmother in his life & she was willing to sacrifice her friendship with minjung so that he could.  glancing down she sees that the clock on her phone says that ten minutes have passed since she sat down.  gathering up the plastic bottles she heads back to the elevator & it’s mechanical voice.

minjung is alone when she arrives, looking at the wall in quiet contemplation.  eunsook sets the soda bottles down in the windowsill & takes her place again in the plastic chair.

“he told me.”  eunsook freezes, hoping.

“what?”

“he didn’t mean to.”  she’s looking at eunsook now, her face set & her jaw tight.  eunsook’s heart begins to race & her nerves tingle.

“i’m sorry.”  it’s the first thing that comes to mind, an apology that slips out unbidden but true.  minjung sighs & turns back to the wall.

“i met my husband on a dare.  it’s not that different.”  the beep of the monitor & the tide of sounds out in the hallway grow loud in the ensuing silence.  eunsook looks down at her hands in her lap & tries to think of a reply.

“what kind of dare?  i mean, who dared who?  & to do what?”  minjung chuckles & closes her eyes.

“you know i don’t even remember what the dare was?  we were about twenty & it was my friend’s idea.  all i really remember is the way he nearly fell over laughing.  then he looked at me & i could barely hear him ask me to lunch over the beating of my own heart.  then we just...fell in love.”  the pillow beneath her head makes a crinkling sound as she turns to eunsook.  “we were married for forty-eight years & he was my best friend.”  eunsook moves to grab a tissue as minjung’s eyes tear up, sitting back down when the older woman waves her away. 

“maybe your marriage started out as something of a business relationship but we both know that it isn’t ending as one.  if the two of you want to separate because you don’t think you’re compatible that’s one thing.  it’s none of my business.  but if it’s just that the contract is up that’s another.  when two people are in love, when two people are in love & are friends...that’s not something they should walk away from.”  eunsook takes the hand minjung offers & looks down at it, listening.  “whatever you decide, i would like us to still be friends.”

“i just didn’t want to make you choose,” she mumbles.

“my choice to make.”  eunsook nods & looks up.

“it wasn’t fair to him.  he needs his grandmother.”

“so many secrets.”  eunsook hangs her head & twists her toe inside her shoe.

minho is waiting in the hallway when she steps out the door.   the sound of a deep “hey” beside her startles her & she stops, hand to her chest as their eyes meet.

“hey.”  there’s a tension between them that she wishes wasn’t there.  “um, your soda is in the windowsill.”  he glances at the door to minjung’s room & back, confusion & then understanding moving across his face.

“oh yeah.  thanks.”

“sure.”  neither make any further comment & neither of them turn away, caught in each other’s gaze.  it’s only when a code blue blares from the intercom directly above that the spell is broken.

“since you’re here i’ll go back home,” she starts with a smile, trying to keep her voice even.  “just call me if you need any help or anything.  i’ll come back to see her later tonight.  let me know if they discharge her before then, ok?”

“yeah.”  a quick nod as she turns away, stopped by the name “eunsook” spoken in his voice.  there it is again.  her full name.  she bites back the heartbreak as she turns back around.

“yeah?”

“we should talk”

~

eunsook swallows when he hands her the familiar pale orange paper.  when he had left the cabin it had still been in his hands & neither of them had realized until it was far too late for her to get it back.  now they stand on a sidewalk half a block down from a hospital that holds memories for them both, a reminder that once upon a time they were not estranged.

“why you?”  the question is soft & the desire to lean into it is strong.

“she said i was the only one she could trust.”

“kind of like me.”

“yeah,” she chuckles, “kind of like you.”  the folded paper crinkles in her hand as she moves it back & forth between her fingers.  “the thing is, she wasn’t wrong but she wasn’t right either.  she should have said these things to the people who needed to hear them, the ones who would care.  we didn’t know each other well enough for her to send me what is essentially her last will & testament.  & then ask me to keep it secret.  it’s not fair & i can’t even get mad at her for it because she’s dead.”  she’s cringing when she looks up.  “sorry.”

“no, i understand.  she was rather dramatic in life.  it’s only suiting that it continues after.”  eunsook sighs.

“i don’t know what’s right anymore,” she says, her eyes cast down to the crinkled paper in her hands.  “maybe junghee wouldn’t want me to keep her secrets anymore.  maybe she would.  i honestly don’t know.  there’s more,” she says looking up, her sad eyes fixated on his.  “if you want to read them.  they explain everything, more even than you might want to know.”

he watches, thinking.  what he wanted to know wouldn’t be found in any of junghee’s letters because he had realized a long time ago that he didn’t actually care what she might have had to say.  not because he hadn’t loved her, not because of apathy or malice or sadness or anger.  but because nothing she might have written down would ever explain why she had chosen a veritable stranger to share her last words with.  why she hadn’t even left them with her own mother.

a story might be laid out on those pieces of paper but it wouldn’t actually mean anything.  because sterile words are one thing & vibrant actions are another & she had chosen to leave him with neither.  if she didn’t want him to know then he wouldn’t.  the only thing he felt for her now was gratitude that she had pushed eunsook his way.

“keep them.  if she didn’t want me to know then i just won’t know.”  her gaze falls away as she nods, pushing up her glasses absently.  the paper crinkles in her hand as she fidgets with her foot in the way that is so familiar to him now & a thread of hope gives him the courage to smile.

watching her discomfort makes him sad & he wants to kiss her & hold her close, comfort her until she’s smiling the way that makes his heart skip.  words are what he’s left with, the privilege of touch no longer his, & a thin thread of hope has him saying her name.

“sook.”

“yeah?” she replies, her eyes still to the side.

“will you look at me?  please?”  when their eyes meet hers are guarded & she pushes up her glasses while her toe stills.

“i can live without you, sook.  i’ve lived all these years without you & i can live all the years ahead without you too.”  the eyes watching him grow dark & he hurries to continue before she can get mad & leave.  “but i don’t want to.  i never even asked for the annulment papers.  i don’t want to be ‘that guy you once married’, i don’t want to just be your friend, someone you nod hello to at parties, that you only see a few times a year.  i want to spend the rest of my seconds, minutes, hours, days, years with you.  i don’t want to miss your nose scrunch or the way you twist your toe.”  the blush on her cheeks does not go unnoticed.  “i love that you knit & make things for other people.  i love that you read all the time.  i love your humor & your kindness & your willingness to try new things.  i don’t want to miss your smile, or not be there when thunder lights up the sky.  i want to stare at the moon with you & see its beauty.  i want to eat the cookies you bake & help you clean up the mess.  i want to race shopping carts & get massages & go to arcades with you.  if you’ll let me.  i love you, sook.”  her eyes narrow & the hands holding the paper separate as her arms cross at her waist.

“don’t say things you don’t mean.”  the tone of her statement is wary; not quite angry but not quite glad either, just enough to give the thread of hope a little extra strength.

“i wouldn’t say it if i didn’t.”

“you said i tricked you.”  the hurt in her voice frays at the thread & he steps forward, relieved when she doesn’t step back.

“that was mean.  i’m so sorry.”

“what if we hadn’t run into each other?  would you have even called?”

“yes, definitely.  as soon as gwiboon gave me back my phone.”

“what?”  he stifles a laugh as she pushes at her glasses, confused.

“she wouldn’t let me drunk dial you.”

“what are you talking about?” 

sighing, he replies, “long story short i showed up at your apartment drunk & she took my phone away & then left this morning without giving it back.”

“you spent the night together?”

“yes.  no.  sort of.  she made me sleep on the sofa.”

“ok.  if you didn’t have your phone, then how did you know to come to the hospital?”

“the hospital called your flat.”

“oh.”

“this was my screw-up eunsook.”

“no.  it was both of us.  we’re pretty good at hiding things aren’t we?”

“far too good.”

“do you want to have kids?”  minho frowns at the sudden turn but it’s thoughtful & that gives her hope.

“i don’t know.”

“you’re good with kids,” she says, biting her lip.

“i’m good at taxes.  that doesn’t mean that i want to be an accountant.”  the lip bit beneath her teeth is released & she blows out a breath, looking out at the street.

“so no kids.”

“that’s not what i’m saying at all.  why are you asking?”

“because...because these are things people getting married should talk about & we never did.”

“no, we didn’t.”

“we should.”

“we can.”

“i couldn’t go in, you know,” she says, changing the subject again.  “into the courthouse.  i tried.  for you i tried.”  her eyes shift up to his & then away & her toe begins to twist.  she catches herself & stops, puffing out a sigh & looking back up.  “i don’t want to be ‘that girl you once married’.  i want to be part of your everyday life.  i want to be your wife & your friend &...everything.  i want to be with you.  i love you.”

“then let’s do it.  let’s stay married.”  she starts laughing with little tears in her eyes, a laugh that turns to a quiet cry as she leans into him, resting her head on his chest.

“you can hug me now.”  laughing, he wraps his arms around her, kissing her hair.  when she moves back he leans down to kiss her forehead.  & then her nose.  & then her lips.

~

another sit-down meal with pen & paper & they decide on one kid, no pets, & eunsook is going to stay at home with the baby.  they wait six months to try & gift minho’s dad a “#1 granddad” coffee mug on father’s day that makes him cry while they rub his shoulders.

one week later they watch gwiboon & taemin get married outdoors.  it’s his second marriage & their last & the ceremony is light on religion.  ondrew is big enough to carry their rings down the aisle, smiling shyly at the adoring crowd, & handing over his charges when he reaches the front. he holds his dad’s hand & smiles at his almost-step-mom, forgetting that he was supposed to sit with his grandparents & eliciting gentle laughter from the guests.

they blow bubbles as the couple leaves & eunsook hugs them both good-bye.

christmas finds eunsook & taeyeon with identical bellies & pictures are taken constantly of the two of them with their backs pressed together.  taeyeon swears this is the last & jinki not so subtly confirms he has ensured that it absolutely is & minho & eunsook both laugh at taeyeon’s blush.

when eunsook wakes minho up to tell him she’s gone into labor he gets so excited that he almost leaves her behind, already behind the steering wheel in his boots & flannel pants before he realizes he has no shirt, keys, wallet, or wife with him. 

lots of deep breathing & nerve-wracking sounds come from her side of the car & he finds it difficult to keeps his eyes on the road.  he high-fives her after they get checked in & again when she smiles after the epidural takes effect.  once more when the baby is in his arms. 

they don’t name the baby junghee, though they both on their own think of it briefly.  instead they name the baby after minho’s mom which means naming the baby after minho’s grandmother which means watching her clap her hands & beam when they tell her another little minjung has joined the family.

all in all it’s a good life & a happy ending, even now when minjung’s piercing cry from across the room startles her parents so badly that they each fall off their respective sides of the bed.

“two more months.  think we can make it?”

“ask me in the morning when i’ve had some coffee.”

“deal.  whose turn is it?”

“if you have to ask then it’s yours.”

“rock paper scissors?”

“it’s three in the morning.”

“the perfect time for mindless games.”  eunsook grumbles & at the count of three throws out scissors that she eagerly slices minho’s paper with.  she snuggles back under the blankets & blinks sleepily while she watches her husband sing their baby back to sleep.  a beautiful voice, she thinks, just like his mom.

 

 

 

 


	9. chewing his thumb (jonghyun's happy ending)

jonghyun walks down the sidewalk with his hands in his pocket trying unsuccessfully not to ruminate.   he’d meant what he’d said: he likes her & he hopes they can be friends.  still, rejection always stings & it burns in his chest, moving his feet aimlessly through the city.

“hey do you know where the dog cafe is?  i could have sworn it was on this block but i can’t find it anywhere & my phone is nearly dead.”  jonghyun turns & blinks twice.  a man a bit taller than himself is standing in front of him in aviator sunglasses, a black turtleneck, & ripped jeans.  two fluffy poodles are hooked to a leash he has wrapped around a finger & he’s staring at a cell phone in his hand.  it takes jonghyun a moment to catch his breath, much less form words, & by the time he starts to speak the man has pulled down his sunglasses & asked if he is ok.

“yeah.  no.  i mean yes, i’m ok & no, it’s not on this block.  you want to go east & this is west.  just go back about eight blocks & you’ll find it.”  he points, brushing his thumb over his lips as he smiles, hoping desperately that he isn’t blushing.

“ok.”  the man turns to look down to where jonghyun has pointed & then back at jonghyun.  “eight blocks?”

“yeah, give or take.”

“ok, i-”

“i’ll walk you.”  it’s a bit too abrupt & the man seems startled.

“what?”

“i’m going that way anyhow,” jonghyun lies.  “i’ll walk with you.  it’s kind of hidden, no big sign.”

“do you go there often?”

“i have a little long-haired dachshund named ‘roo’ & she likes to go sometimes.  usually monday afternoons.”  the man laughs as they start heading down the sidewalk.

“why mondays?”

“my day off.  & it’s pretty quiet then.”

“ah.  thanks for the tip.”  jonghyun nods.  “these are garcon & commes des, by the way.”

“hey garcon, commes des.”  looking up at the man, he smiles & says, “i’m jonghyun.”  his heart skips when two dimples form in the smoothest cheeks he’s ever seen as the man smiles back.

“kibum.” 


	10. wet tears & rants

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> junghee's letter. what minho read is bolded, what he didn't is not.

**_eunsook._ **

**_you’re probably wondering why i’m writing to you & i hope by the end of this letter you’ll understand why you were the only one i could trust._ **

**_a lot has happened in the last year & a lot will happen in the next.  i know we were never close but i.  no, we weren’t friends.  honestly i’m not sure why but we just weren’t.  now that that’s out of the way let me ask for a favor i have no right to but that i hope you’ll do for me anyway._ **

**_it wasn't easy but i finally got minho to leave me.  he doesn’t love me anymore & that’s good.  but he needs someone to be there for him & i want that to be you.  there will be a lot of girls, and a few guys, who will try to make their move on him now that we’re no longer together & i need you to protect him from them.  he’s a good man but he’ll be angry & he’ll hurt people.  be a buffer, help him to stay soft.  be his friend.  make him laugh.  make him love again._ **

**_you two aren’t close either but at least you’re friendly.  and his dad absolutely adores you.  i know he was disappointed when minho & i announced our engagement.  maybe that’s why we weren’t friends.  it’s hard to be seen as a poor imitation by your fiancé’s father, to always know you’re coming up short & not knowing how to pull ahead.  mr. choi’s always been nice but i know he would have preferred it was you.  _ **

_**none of that’s the point.  that’s not why-** _

_-i’m dead._

_minho proposed to me two years ago & nine months ago i got a diagnosis.  maybe it's selfish of me but i can't go through what they’re asking me to.  i want my death to be on my own terms.  i want to disappear.  i’m going to tell you how because you will be too late to stop it & because i need to write everything down now while i have the nerve. _

_i’m going to drown._

_it will look like an accident._

_it’s better that way._

_no one knows & i don’t want them to.  i don’t want their pity, they can give it to minho.  it’s better that the _ex-fiancé_ he doesn’t love died than that the wife he loved fades away.  i think we can both agree that he’s had enough loss in his life._

_i know about kai.  i’m sorry i never said anything, condolences were absolutely in order.  but we were never close & the reason i know isn’t something i wanted anyone else to discover.  that’s a secret i think i’ll keep.  you know what it’s like to lose the one you love & thought you might spend the rest of your years with.  please understand why i won’t let minho go through that._

_i love him.  so very much.  he deserves to be happy & free from this._

_& if i’m completely honest so do i.  it’s terminal  & they gave me less than a year six months ago.  the treatments are abhorrent & i won’t be remembered as “that poor girl who got sick & died”.  perhaps it’s vanity but i want to be remembered as i am now.  it feels like a kindness to others, though._

_so take care of him.  be his friend.  do whatever it takes to make him forget me.  please._


End file.
